


We Were Heroes, Once

by BlackUnicorn



Series: A Symphony Of War [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 1920s, 1930s, 1940s, Angst, Attempted Sexual Assault, Awesome Howling Commandos, Awesome Sarah Rogers, Best Friends, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes & Peggy Carter Friendship, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Captain America: The First Avenger, Comfort, Coming Out, Dealing With Loss, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Gay Bucky Barnes, Getting Together, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hydra (Marvel), Loss, M/M, Mentions of Prostitution, Mildly Dubious Consent, Mostly Anway, POV Bucky Barnes, POV Steve Rogers, Period Typical Attitudes, Period-Typical Homophobia, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Prisoner of War, Protective Bucky Barnes, Scared Bucky Barnes, Sharing a Bed, Sort Of, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve is a little shit, Sweet Bucky Barnes, This Is More Angsty Than I Planned, Underage Drinking, Underage Sex, Violence, Worried Steve Rogers, You know what I mean, bucky loves steve, but it's gonna be alright, but nothing too graphic, second world war, seriously so much angst, steve loves bucky, the Howling Commandos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-13 13:45:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 38,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13571799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackUnicorn/pseuds/BlackUnicorn
Summary: It all began with a fight on the schoolyard, first day of school.Suddenly, there was a mischievous glint in Steve’s eyes as he asked, »So, does this make us friends? «James chuckled, »Sure, «, he answered and then added with a sly smile, »You’re still a punk. «»You’re a jerk. «, Steve replied, mirroring his smile and James gasped dramatically, »Pretty sure that’s not a nice word. «»Pretty sure neither is punk. «They would never stop fighting but that was okay because they had each other and they would never let go.





	1. Per Aspera Ad Astra

Steve woke up to the sound of clattering noises and the smell of coffee. He groaned when he moved, a sharp pain shooting through his back and his throat was sore but apart from that it seemed to be one of the better days.

»Stevie! «, his mum called from the kitchen, »Get up, you have to get ready for school! «

»Yes mum! «, he replied and threw back the covers, shivering lightly at the cold air. Technically it was still late summer and they couldn’t afford to turn the heating but it was already getting chilly. Biting his teeth together, Steve quickly put on his pants and a sweater which was too big for him but at least it would keep him warm. When he entered the small kitchen, he saw his mum standing at the table packing a sandwich into a brown paper bag, eyes slightly red, making her look like she’d been crying but Steve knew better; he had never seen her cry, not even a few weeks ago, when the doctor had told them that Steve probably wouldn’t reach the age of 18; no, the red eyes came from the lack of sleep and the stress. She was pale and skinny and her blonde hair was thin, hanging into her face. Steve thought she was the most beautiful thing in the world.

»Morning sweetheart. Did you sleep well? Are you excited for today? «, she asked with a kind smile, pressing a kiss on the top of Steve’s head.

»Yes mum. «, he answered, wrapping his arms around her slim waist. »Thank you for making me lunch. You should sleep now. You need rest. «, he raised his head and saw his mum smiling even bigger, her eyes full of adoration.

»Yes, sir. «, she answered mockingly, »Now, you be careful, you hear me? Don’t get into any fights, you scared me half to death the last time. «, her voice was strict but kind and Steve couldn’t supress the blush rising on his cheeks; he looked down, feeling ashamed. He knew his mum was worried about him but…well…what else had he been supposed to do? Markus the Mean had tried to pull that girl’s ponytail and called her names and she’d been crying and…well…Steve just had had to do something. He’d gotten a black eye and a bloody nose for it but it had been worth it.

»I know. I’m sorry mum. «, he muttered.

»I know you are. I love you, Stevie. Have fun. «, she gave him another kiss before going to the bed they had to share since they only had one.

»Love you too. Sleep well. «, he called after her and picked up his lunch to stuff it into the old bag of his father before putting on his jacket and leaving the flat for his first day at school.

* * *

 

James sat in the dining room of the orphanage, picking at his slice of bread while the other boys around him talked excitedly about the upcoming school year. It wasn’t that James didn’t like school, he did. It was a good opportunity to get away from the wardens at the orphanage and all the idiots living there; school meant friends and sports. However, what he did have a problem with, was getting up before dawn. James yawned just as he finished his breakfast and earned himself a disapproving look from Mr. Clench. Sighing under his breath, he took his plate and the glass of juice and carried it to the kitchen to clean it, he had to hurry up if he didn’t want to be late.

Half an hour later, James walked onto the schoolground, eyeing a group of new kids whose first day it would be today.

»Hey James! «, he turned around and saw two of his friends, Henry and Paul, running towards him.

»Hey. How was your summer? «, he asked.

»Real great! «, Henry answered excitedly, »We went down to Georgia to visit my grandpa. «

»Sounds nice. «, James replied, he just wished that he could do something like that one day. They went towards the doors to go inside and Henry kept talking about his granddad from Georgia but James didn’t really listen. His eyes fell on a boy, a tiny boy, with baggy clothes and blonde hair who looked around with a slightly hounded expression on his face, clearly nervous and clearly new to all this. The crowd got bigger and James was shoved into the building, losing sight of the kid and five minutes later he had already forgotten he had seen him. 

* * *

 

Two periods in, Steve knew that school would not be his favourite thing. He could feel the others looking at him; Steve knew how poor he looked; he also knew that his skin was too pale and his body too skinny and that his breath was wheezing most of the time but that was no reason to treat him like this. He was kind of glad when lunch time came by and he could leave the noisy building to find himself a quiet place to eat his lunch. The air was much warmer now, the September sun shining down on the city, dousing everything in bright light. That was until two dark shadows appeared over him. Steve looked up from where he sat on the bank and found himself staring at two boys easily twice his size and a couple of years older, »Can I help you? «, he asked and immediately cursed himself for running his mouth because the matching smirks of the two couldn’t be good.

»Oh I’m sure you can. «, the one on the left sneered, »What ya got there? «, he grabbed for Steve’s lunch but Steve was already on his feet, trying to defend the bag. It was stupid, Steve knew that; it was just lunch, but then again this was the only thing he had to eat until he got back home. »No. «, he said firmly and for a split of a second the two boys looked confused, obviously not used to anyone talking back to them, but they caught themselves quickly and suddenly there was a firm chest behind Steve’s back and the other one stepped closer, gripping Steve’s neck, »I _said_ , what ya got there? «, he asked, his voice threateningly low. Steve wriggled in the hold of both boys but he couldn’t move away. Again, the boy reached for his lunch and snatched it out of Steve’s hand, looking inside. He wrinkled his nose and tossed the bag over his shoulder, »Useless. «, he said, his eyes focusing on Steve who held his gaze angrily, »Here’s the deal, you give us something good and we leave you alone. For now. «

»No. «, Steve growled and then did something that was probably extremely stupid – he raised his knee and rammed it between the other boy’s legs. »Argh. You son of a - «, he pressed out, hunched over, his face twisted in pain. Steve had exactly on second to congratulate himself before he realised just in how much trouble he was in now. The boy behind him reached around him, holding him in place while the one before him drew back his arm. The fist connected with his jaw and Steve sacked into the arms holding him up, a dull pain spreading across his face, »Let’s try this again, give us something good. «

»No. «, Steve choked out. He knew he was going to regret this but if he gave in now they would never stop. From the corner of his eyes he saw a little crowd watching them but no one attempted to help him; no surprise there, really. He just hoped that a teacher would soon notice the turmoil but for now he was on his own. The next punch landed in his stomach, stealing his breath and Steve had to fight violently against the coughing fit that was sure to come. He tried desperately to stomp onto the boy’s feet that was holding him but he didn’t even seem to notice and when he saw that the one in front of him got ready for another punch, he closed his eyes, already anticipating the pain…except it never came. Confused, he opened his eyes and saw the boy lying on the floor, a dark – haired boy now standing in front of Steve, his blue eyes, burning with cold anger as he fixed the one behind Steve with a glare, »Let him go, Brown. «, he growled and, miraculously, Brown did. Steve fell to the floor, no longer having the support to hold him up; his knees hit the hard ground and he heard the boy talking again, »Now get lost. «

»You’re on, Barnes. You’re not getting away with this. «, one of the others screamed before running away and then the brunette, Barnes, stepped in front of Steve, causing him to look up. There was a hand extended for him to grab, »You okay? «, Barnes asked and Steve couldn’t help himself, he ignored the hand and the pain and pushed himself up, »I had it under control. «, he snapped and he expected Barnes to become angry for being ungrateful, he did not expect an amused laugh, »I’m sure you did. «, Barnes said before pointing at Steve’s face, »You should have that checked out. «

Steve raised his hand and winced slightly when he touched the bruise, »I’m fine. «, he replied. Barnes kept smiling, »Whatever you say, punk. I’m James. «

Steve blinked, contemplating how he should react to that but the boy seemed nice and he had helped him so Steve quickly changed his posture into something less tense and answered, »Steve. «

»You’ll let me take you to the nurse now? «, and although James had said it like a question, Steve had the feeling that he wouldn’t take no for an answer, so he just sighed and collected his things from the bank, throwing a wistful look towards his lunch.

»You can have some of mine. «, James offered and together they went to the school building so Steve could see the nurse. 

* * *

 

James couldn’t believe his eyes when he had gone outside with his friends and seen the crowd. Not that brawls were unusual, quite the opposite actually. Except this wasn’t a brawl. This wasn’t even a fair fight. James knew Eric Brown and Gilly Trenton, two 3rd graders, from the orphanage. They were trouble makers and bullies who liked to pick on those smaller than them and it looked like they had found a new victim, the small boy James had noticed this morning in the crowd, except unlike this morning, he didn’t look nervous at all. He looked angry. Furious. Wriggling and thrashing in Brown’s strong hold, practically spitting into Trenton’s face and James couldn’t help but admire this kid. Sure, he was an idiot and they would make him pay for fighting back but he was also incredibly brave.

»James? James, what are you doing? «, Paul called out and James noticed that he had been walking towards the three boys, he paused to look back, saw all those people standing around, gawking at the fight, some laughing, others looking concerned, scared.

»Something stupid. «, he answered before walking on. As an orphan he’d been in his fair share of fights already even though he usually avoided them but this…this was ridiculous and unfair and just looking at the small blonde in Brown’s arms made him hurt all over. He looked so fragile but the look in his eyes was clear, ‘fight me!’ except he was the kind of boy that probably wouldn’t survive a real fight. Before he could change his mind, James started running and tackled Trenton from the side just as he was about to go for another blow. Both boys landed in the dirt but it was James who was on his feet first fixing Trenton with a glare and the boy stayed down, _coward,_ James thought before turning towards Brown and demanding to let the boy go. He did; but all the fights James had been in couldn’t have prepared him for this kid.  »I had it under control. « and despite the pain he had to be in, he still looked like he was ready for another round. He wasn’t sure what changed but the boy, Steve, did agree to go to the nurse’s office with him who was not at all amused.

»Steven, your mother gave us your medial history and I have to say that it was tremendously reckless of you to get into a fight. I’ll have to call to her so she can pick you up. «, Margret chided and Steve grew pale.

»Please don’t. «, he begged, »Please don’t call her. I’m fine, I promise. You can write her a letter if you want, tell what happened but please don’t make her come here. «

Margret hesitated, fixing the boy with a piercing look, »Alright, but I can’t take responsibility for you going home on your own. Not in the state you’re in. «

»I can go with him, ma’am. «, James offered, surprising himself. »It’s only the first day, I won’t miss much and I’d be happy to do it. «

»That’s kind of James, but you need to attend your classes. «

»Let me speak to Mr. Jameson, I’m sure he’d be alright with it. «, Mr. Jameson was the headmaster of the school, a kind man with a love for chocolate and always a smile on his face.

»Alright, but I will go speak with him. Don’t do anything stupid until I get back. «

Margret left the office, leaving James and Steve alone with a growing tension and awkward silence. James was still looking for something to say when Steve did so first, »Thank you. «, he muttered, studying his hands.

»’t was nothing. «, Bucky answered not quite truthfully, he swallowed nervously, »Why don’t you want your ma to come here? «, he asked.

Steve shrugged, chewing on his lower lip, »She works the nights at the hospital. «, he mumbled, still not looking up at James, »She’s always so tired when she gets home. I just want her to sleep. «

»What about your dad? «

»He died before I was born. «

James nodded, he could relate to that, »My parents died too. I was still young and don’t really remember them. «

At that, Steve did look up, »I’m sorry. «, he said and really sounded like he was.

»It’s okay. «, because it was.

Suddenly, there was a mischievous glint in Steve’s eyes as he asked, »So, does this make us friends? «

James chuckled, »Sure, «, he answered and then added with a sly smile, »You’re still a punk. «

»You’re a jerk. «, Steve replied, mirroring his smile and James gasped dramatically, »Pretty sure that’s not a nice word. «

»Pretty sure neither is punk. «


	2. Precious And Fragile Things

Honestly, Steve had no idea how this had happened. Okay, maybe he had a slight idea…he had left the public library with a pile of books under his arm, minding his own business when he had heard noises coming out of a dark alley. The sound of someone crying.

»Stop whining and give us your watch. «, the voice said.

»Please – please don’t. «, someone sobbed and before Steve could even think about what he was doing, he had dropped his books and run towards two boys, one of them cowering in a corner and a tall one standing over him.

»Hey! «, Steve called out, »Leave him alone. «

The boy swivelled around, looking confused and startled before his eyes fell on Steve and he started laughing, »You’re next, get in line. «, he said before turning away from Steve who stomped forward, gripping the boy’s elbow and pulling him back, »I said, let him go. «, he demanded once again, anger rising inside of him.

»Do you want to have your ass kicked? «, the boy asked and shoved Steve away from him who stumbled backwards against the garbage cans, »Pathetic. «

»At least I’m not a bully. «, he shot back, keeping the boys attention on him while the other boy carefully pushed past him.

»What did you call me? «, the older boy stepped forward and the younger one began running towards the end of the street.

»A bully. «, Steve repeated, bracing himself for the fight that was sure to come.

»Shut your mouth before I’ll shut it for ya. «, the bully threatened.

»You’ll have to do that then because I ain’t keeping quiet. «

He saw the first punch coming and quickly dodged, smirking when the fist hit the garbage can behind him, Steve landed a punch on the boy’s stomach. Ignoring the pain in his hand, he charged again but the boy easily blocked his fist and hit him in the face; after that Steve wasn’t quite certain what happened, just that it was a series of pain and more pain and suddenly, Steve was thrown, back first, on the floor.

»Pathetic. «, he heard the boy spit out before leaving him behind and Steve wanted to say something back but he couldn’t. He couldn’t even breathe. Both his back and his stomach hurt like they had never hurt before, he could hear ringing in his ears, drowning all other sounds and his vision became blurry. _Don’t panic,_ he thought frantically, _don’t panic._ But he was…he couldn’t breathe goddamit and he was alone in an alleyway and no one knew he was here and _I can’t breathe_!

Suddenly there was something touching him, gentle hands, propping him up and a pair of blue eyes appeared, scared, angry, concerned. He could feel light pressure on the front of his shoulders and he saw moving lips but he still couldn’t hear the words so he just shook his head over and over again, until the hands were on his face, keeping it still, forcing him to look into the blue eyes again and he knew those eyes, Steve was sure. _Bucky’s here,_ he thought, _that’s good._ Bucky would help him, Steve just had to calm down. His hand was placed on Bucky’s chest before Bucky pressed down on Steve’s shoulder again, just above his armpits. Steve could feel the steady rising and falling of his friend’s chest and the heart beat behind that, just a little bit too fast but that was okay. _I’m safe. Bucky’s here._ He knew Bucky was still talking, could still see his lips moving but he still couldn’t ear but that was okay too. That happened sometimes.

He wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that but at some point, Steve could breathe a little bit easer and Bucky’s heartbeat was much calmer now and so was his own. The fear in the blue eyes was gone, replaced by relieve, but the anger was still there. Steve knew that once he had his hearing back, he was in for a lecture. Bucky moved his hands from Steve’s shoulders back to his face again and the next word he spoke was clear even though he couldn’t hear it

_Okay?_

 Steve nodded, not quiet trusting his voice and Bucky pulled back, carefully picking Steve up from the ground who supressed a whimper; he had totally forgotten about the pain. 

* * *

 

Sarah had said that Steve was at the library, which wasn’t really a surprise. Steve spent a lot of time there lately, mostly reading about art history. What Steve saw in that, Bucky didn’t know but it made Steve happy so he certainly wasn’t complaining.

»Why don’t you stay and wait for Steve here? «, Sarah asked, »I’m sure he’ll be back soon. «

»Thank you but I think I’ll just go looking for him. God knows what he’ll get up to otherwise. «, Bucky joked except it wasn’t exactly a joke because Steve had proven during the last five years that he, indeed, managed to start a fight in an empty building. Not that Bucky could ever stop him but at least he could be there to save him when he needed saving, which he according to Steve, never did.

»I think not even God knows that. «, Sarah replied in an amused voice and then added, »Alright. Just make sure to have my boy home before it gets dark. «, Sarah told him and Bucky laughed, »Yes ma’am. «, before leaving the small flat and making his way to the library. It wasn’t a long walk and the weather was nice, so Bucky took his time, looking at the displays in the shop windows thinking about what Steve might want for his birthday.

It had been five years since that first day of school. Five years since Steve had stood up against Eric Brown and Gilly Trenton. Five years since they had become friends. And what friends they were. Bucky though he had never met someone quite like Steve Rogers. The kid was tiny and sickly but god help you if you ever called him weak. Or worse, if he ever caught you being mean to someone else. He had lost count of the many fights he had been in because of Steve, not that he minded, it was never boring being out with him.

He rounded the corner to the library, tripping over a couple of books – and stopped. Art books. Bucky frowned while he looked around. There was no one there who might have dropped them. He thought about bringing them back to the library when he heard it, a muffled groan, coming from an alley to his left. _Oh no._ Bucky hurried towards the alley and nearly ran into a tall boy, »Watch where you’re going. «, the boy snapped and then he was gone. Bucky watched him run for a moment, turned back towards the alley and sure enough, there was Steve, lying on the ground. But that wasn’t right. Steve never stayed down this long after a fight, he always got right back up, with a cheeky grin on his face and a witty remark on his lips.

_Why won’t you get up?_

»Stevie? Stevie? «, Bucky called but Steve didn’t reply. »Oh god. «, Steve’s face was bloody, and the wheezing of his breath even worse than usual, coming out in a short, irregular way that reminded Bucky of what had happened a few weeks ago. _An Asthma attack,_ that’s what Sarah had called it. Bucky didn’t quite understand how it worked, just that certain things could trigger it and that it could kill Steve if it wasn’t stopped.

»Steve? Steve can you hear me? «, he asked in a hopefully calm voice but Steve didn’t react. _What did Sarah do?_ He tried to remember but it was like his brain was blank. _Calm down. CALM DOWN!_ Bucky closed his eyes for a moment, taking deep breaths. When he opened them again, his hands had stopped shaking and he touched Steve, gently pulling him into an upright position, _that’s what his ma did, right? Right._

»Dammit, Steve. «, he muttered, forcing his friend to look him in the eyes.

_There are certain pressure points that can help relax the muscles,_ Sarah’s voice echoed through his head. Bucky had no idea what pressure points were or why the muscles had to be relaxed but Sarah had pushed down somewhere on the front of the shoulders, so that’s what Bucky did now, gently, trying not to hurt Steve any further, »Stevie? Stevie, can you hear me? Come on, we need to get you help. You need a doctor. I don’t know what I’m doing here, Stevie. «, he rambled and Steve shook his head and kept shaking it until Bucky stopped him and made him look into his eyes again. There was a bit more focus now and Steve seemed to relax just slightly but it was enough for Bucky to know that he recognized him. »Okay, «, he muttered mostly to himself, »Okay, what now? You need to breathe, but you can’t, how do I get you to breathe? «. He remembered how Sister Willis had once calmed down a girl at church who had become hysteric, placing her hand on her chest and telling her to copy her breathing…this wasn’t much different, was it? Bucky kept his breaths forcefully calm and deep while Steve’s palm lay on his shirt, his own hands back on Steve’s shoulders, trying to find those pressure points while talking. He wasn’t even sure what words came out of his mouth but since Steve couldn’t seem to hear him anyway, it didn’t really matter. That happened sometimes.

Finally, _finally,_ Steve’s breathing became deeper, still wheezing but at least he seemed to get air again, his body no longer tense but relaxed and Bucky had a feeling that he would actually fall over if he took his hands away. So he didn’t. Not yet anyway. »God, you stupid punk. «, he told his friend and took his face back into his hands, making sure Steve’s attention was on him before asking the one question, he hoped, Steve would understand.

»Okay? «

Steve nodded and Bucky let out a sigh of relieve, helping Steve up to his feet. He would have to take him to the hospital except he knew that Steve’s ma didn’t have the money for that. _Oh god, Sarah’s gonna have a fit,_ he realised and immediately felt guilty for not getting there faster. _If I had just hurried up, this wouldn’t have happened._

A few people turned around as Bucky practically carried Steve through the streets towards the Rogers’ flat but no one stopped to offer help. It took much longer than usual to reach the flat and by the time they had, Bucky was terrified, _what if I did something wrong? What if he doesn’t get better?_

»Stevie, is that you? «, Sarah called when Bucky closed the door behind them.

»Sarah? «

»James? «

The narrow figure of Sarah Rogers appeared in the doorframe and Bucky heard aloud gasp before slim but incredibly strong arms, took Steve off him and carried him towards the sofa.

»What happened? «

»There was a fight, I think and Steve had an asthma attack…I’m so sorry, I didn’t know what to do, so I just tried to do what you did and - «

»Shhh, it’s alright, it’s alright. «, Sarah whispered, pulling Bucky into a warm embrace, »You saved his life, James. Thank you. «, she pressed a kiss on his forehead and smiled, »Now, can you do one more thing for me? Boil some water. «,

* * *

 

Steve’s world was silent. He was used to not hearing something on one ear, not always but sometimes and once in a while he couldn’t hear at all but it still scared him. What if he stayed like this? What if he could never hear again? He was aware that his mum was talking to him, while cleaning the blood from his face and Steve felt deeply ashamed for putting her through this again. She was always so worried. And Bucky… _god, he saved my life,_ he realised, _he always saves me_.

Suddenly, there was steaming cup of tea in his hands and a bowl of hot water in front of him and this, this was something Steve knew, was familiar with, so he varied inhaling the hot steam of the water and sipping his tea, slowly but surely feeling his breath go easier. By now he also felt the full impact of the hits he had gotten, his stomach was hurting and his whole face throbbed, plus he had the feeling like his back would be black and blue by tomorrow. _Well,_ he thought, _at least that kid could keep his watch._ He started chuckling, which quickly turned into a coughing fit and he could feel the concerned looks of his mum and his friend on him and a new wave of shame overcame him.

Once the tea was empty and the water had cooled, he lay down on the sofa, knowing that it would make his back even worse but he was so tired and he was comfortable, laying in his mum’s arms while Bucky held his hand. He fell asleep smiling. 

* * *

 

A few hours had passed but Bucky was still there. Still at Steve’s side, holding his hand and Sarah had let him; making him tea and even offering him food. Only when Bucky’s head fell down on Steve and he kept dozing off, she finally spoke up, »It’s getting real late, James. Maybe you should go back, I don’t want you get into trouble just because this idiot couldn’t stay out of a fight. «, Sarah said and Bucky sighed, »You’re right. But I don’t want to go. What if he gets worse? «

»Then you’ll be the first to know. «, she reassured him. »You’re a good kid, James. Always looking out for my Stevie, like a big brother. Who knows what would happen to him if you didn’t and I don’t think I ever really thanked you. «, a sad smile, »I wish I could help you somehow. Take you away from that awful place. «

»’s alright, ma’am. I like looking after Steve and the orphanage ain’t that bad. «, that was a lie but Sarah didn’t need to know that. He would be punished for staying out this late but he didn’t care. Steve needed him. »Besides…’s my job to keep this punk safe. «, he added and Sarah laughed. »He couldn’t do it on his own. «

»I can hear you, you know. «, a low voice came from under the blanked before Steve opened his eyes.

»Stevie! Are you alright? «, Bucky asked.

»’m fine, Buck. Stop fussing. «, but his eyes were soft and Bucky could see the ‘thank you’ in them, still, he shook his head, »You stupid idiot. What where you thinking? «

Steve was quiet for a moment, just like he was thinking about the answer, »I don’t like bullies. «, he finally replied and it was so ridiculous and exasperating and so much _Steve_ that Bucky couldn’t help but laugh. »Punk. «

»Jerk. «

»Language. «, Sarah reminded them and then they all started laughing


	3. Everything Remains (As It Never Was)

Steve woke up to the familiar sound of his window opening, a wave of cold air hit his face, followed by a dull _thump_.

»Shit. «

Steve sat up, trying to rub the sleep out of his eyes. It was dark and he couldn’t really see anything but he knew that voice and well…a burglar wouldn’t make so much noise.

»Bucky? «, he asked anyway.

»Sorry. «, Bucky muttered.

»Wha’re you doin’ here? «

»I…er…I was wondering…could I stay the night? «, his friends voice sounded weak. Insecure. Every alarm bell in Steve’s brain went off, causing him to sit up straight, suddenly wide awake, »What happened? Are you okay? Are you in trouble? «

»No, no, I’m fine. Promise. Just needed to a place to stay for the night. «, Bucky answered, his face hidden by shadows but Steve had the feeling that he wasn’t telling the whole truth, »You can always stay here, Buck. You know that. «

»Thanks pal. «, Bucky replied, sounding slightly more relaxed. He walked towards the bed, taking off his coat and shoes while Steve made space for his friend and lifted the quilt so Bucky could get in.

»You’re cold. «, Steve noted when Bucky had sat down next to him, their sides touching.

»Sorry. «

»’s okay. You wanna talk about it? «

»Not really. You should get some more sleep, Stevie. I’m fine, really, and…thank you. «

Steve spent a long moment just looking at the dark shape of the other boy, trying to figure out what it could have been this time. This was by far not the first time Bucky had climbed through his window in the middle of the night, in fact, lately Bucky seemed to be spending more nights in Steve’s bed than in his own although he never said why and Steve didn’t ask. It was clear that his friend didn’t want to talk about it and…well…Bucky did everything for him so this was kind of the least he could do.

»Don’t need to thank me. «, he finally replied, »G’night, Buck. «

»Night, Steve. « 

* * *

 

Bucky had been lying. Of course he had. He did that a lot these days.

_I’m fine. Promise_ – _I wish._

Now that he though about it, he actually didn’t remember the last time he had been fine. Really, the only good thing in his life right now was Steve. Steve whose breathing was slowly evening out as he fell back asleep, probably still exhausted from the cold he had had only a few days ago. Winter was always rough on Steve but for the last year or two it was especially hard. Sarah was one of the few persons who actually still had a job but it wasn’t like she was earning much, food was getting more expensive, not to mention heating and now it was the middle of winter and Steve and his ma were short on pretty much everything.

Bucky hated it. Hated that he couldn’t help them. That didn’t mean that he didn’t try of course, but a boy could only steal from the local shops so many times before someone would notice. And noticed they had, except it hadn’t been a local shop, with that, Bucky could have dealt, but the nurse’s office of the orphanage, which was always well stocked and…well…Steve needed his meds and Sarah couldn’t afford them and it wasn’t like anyone at the orphanage needed them right now, so Bucky had though, _what the hell, why not?_ Naturally, the orphanage had disagreed.

_»This is the last straw, James. You cause us nothing but trouble and don’t even pretend you’re not sneaking out every night. Taking food from the kitchen and now this…I want you gone by tomorrow. If you’re not, I will call the police, I’m sure they’ll be happy to deal with you. «_

The director’s words still echoed through his head and Bucky cursed himself for being so stupid. He usually knew better than to get caught. He hadn’t hesitated to pack the little stuff he had before getting out of there, through the front door this time and no one had stopped him. The orphanage hadn’t been perfect, far from it. But at least he had had a roof over his head and gotten edible food. Now that was gone and what was he supposed to do? He couldn’t stay with Steve. He knew Sarah would be happy to take him in but he just couldn’t do that to them. _No, I’ll just have to deal with this myself._ Maybe he could find a job…maybe. 

* * *

 

When Steve woke up the next morning, Bucky was gone. Steve tried not to think about that too much because that, too, was normal. Bucky would show up, sleep in Steve’s bed and be gone before Steve was awake. It was just…Steve was worried. There was something Bucky wasn’t telling him and he hated it when there were secrets between them. They’d been best friends for ten years now…they were brothers. They weren’t supposed to have secrets.

Groaning lightly and thanking the world that it was Sunday, Steve got up and walked into the kitchen, passing his mum who was sleeping soundly on the couch, to get himself a glass of juice and a slice of bread. He wondered if Bucky had something to eat. See, Steve wasn’t stupid, he knew that his friend spent less and less time at the orphanage, knew that it was only a matter of time until they either threw him out or he left…and what was he, Steve, supposed to do? Both he and his ma had offered Bucky more than once to come and live with them but every time, Bucky had politely declined. Steve knew why, of course. Bucky living here, would mean one more mouth to feed and Bucky probably felt like he couldn’t do that to them except he could. Steve wanted him to.

Lost in thoughts, his eyes fell on yesterday’s newspaper and his mood darkened. There, on the front page was a picture of Adolf Hitler, with the caption ‘ _Hitler Founds_ _Expert Committee on Questions of Population and Racial Policy – The Vision of a Mad Man or Serious Thread?'_ followed by a long article on the happenings in Germany. There had been many news like this before and Steve found himself getting angrier and angrier every time he saw them… _who the hell does this man think he is?_ With a huff, Steve flipped over the paper so he didn’t have to see the picture and emptied his glass. It was still relatively early and he already felt bored. Putting on his shoes and the warmest jacket he had, Steve took his sketchbook and pencils and climbed onto the roof to get his head free while drawing.

* * *

 

Bucky felt guilty for leaving so early but he didn’t think he would have managed to face Steve and lie to him yet again. _God_ how much he hated lying to Steve.

For hours, he had just been wandering around more or less aimlessly, nicking an apple from a street vendor so he could safe the little money he had, until he remembered that there were supposed to be village – like camps in the parks. Homeless people, coming together to survive. He and Steve had always tried to stay away from those, not sure what they would find but…well, desperate times and all that.

The sky was dark, clouds hanging low and the air was dry and cold, when he reached Central Park. It was far enough from Brooklyn so that Steve couldn’t accidentally find him.

»Can I help you, kid? «, a tall, black man stood behind him, eyeing Bucky suspiciously and Bucky gulped, not sure what to do, »I – er – I’m sorry, I was just…«, he stuttered and the man’s eyes fell on the bag he had slung over his shoulder.

»You need a place to stay? «, Bucky shrugged, »I’m Tom. «

»B – James. «, he wasn’t sure why he chose that name except that ‘Bucky’ was Steve’s. He had started calling him that ever since he had found out about Bucky’s middle name, eight years ago.

»Well, come then James. «, Tom gestured towards a group of trees and started walking towards them; after a moment of hesitation, Bucky followed. »Don’t worry kid, you’re safe here. Or as safe as it gets. Don’t break the rules and you’ll be fine. «

»What _are_ the rules? «, because if living in an orphanage had taught him one thing, that that that was one of the first things you had to learn.

Tom chuckled, »Ain’t got many. Don’t steal from the others. We don’t take kindly to that, but you seem like a smart boy. And keep to your business. We don’t need no one prying. «

»No stealing. No prying. Got it. «

The Hooverville was nothing more than a cluster of shacks, some build from wood and scrap metal, others merely a pile of cloths, held up by stakes. Men, women and children were sitting on the floor or standing around fires, watching Bucky wearily as he followed Tom towards a bulky, white man with an impressive beard.

»Henry, this is James. James, Henry is in charge of things, he likes you, you can stay. «, Tom announced and then turned to leave Bucky alone with the man.

»James, huh? How are old are you? «, Henry asked.

»16, sir. «

»No need for that, we’re all scum around here. At least that’s what they say in the city. I say we’re all equal. Just don’t get cheeky and you’re good. «

Bucky nodded, unsure on how to proceed.

»You eat something yet? «

»Yeah. «, Bucky answered, unfortunately not loud enough to cover up the grumble of his stomach and Henry laughed and left. When he came back he held a piece of bread and a bowl of soup in his hands, »Here, take this. Gotta build your own roof but people are nice if you are. «, he explained, »We look after each other. It’s all have left by now. «

And then Bucky was on his own. He looked down at the food and went over to a pile of wood to sit down and eat; it wasn’t long before two others, a boy and a girl, both slightly older than him approached him, »You’re the new one then. «, the boy stated, holding out his hand, »Jared, this is my sister Jenna. «.

»James. «, Bucky replied, accepting the hand and taking a closer look at the two. Both were about Bucky’s height, with a dirty blonde hair and dark eyes. »How long’ve you been here? «

»Couple months. I lost my job at the store, my sister got sick, had to pay for the doctor and had no money left for the rent. «, Jaret explained.

»Sorry about that. «

»Nah…we all got a sob story around here. No use crying about it. «, Jared shrugged and sat down next to Bucky while Jenna took the other side.

»What about you? You seem a bit young to be on your own. «, Jenna pointed out.

»I’m sixteen. «, Bucky replied, purposefully ignoring the first part of her question but Jenna wouldn’t have that, »You got parents? «

»No. Grew up in an orphanage. «

»Why did you leave? «

»Had to. «

»You mean you were thrown out. «, there was hint of amusement in Jaret’s voice and Bucky relaxed slightly, »Yeah, that. «, he muttered into his soup. It was nice eating something warm. Fortunately, they didn’t ask further questions and half an hour later, Bucky found himself telling them about Steve, »Fucking punk doesn’t know what’s good for him. Always getting himself into trouble and I’m left to clean up the mess and save is ass. «

»Sounds like he’s something else. «

»Oh, he is. « 

* * *

 

Steve looked down on the page and by now, he wasn’t even surprised anymore to find Bucky staring back at him. This was the fifth drawing he had done of his friend now. Letting out a sight, Steve closed the book and moved his stiff joints. Sitting on the roof for hours really was a nightmare for his bones.

»Steve? I thought you’d gone out. «, his mum said when Steve re-entered the flat.

»Sorry, I went up on the roof and forgot the time. «

»You’re freezing, darling. You gotta be more careful, you’ve just been sick. «, she chided him and threw a blanket over his shoulders.

»I know. Sorry. «, Steve muttered. His ma was still looking at him with a strange expression on her face, »Do you want to talk about it? «, she asked eventually.

»About what? «, Steve asked confused.

»About whatever it is that’s upsetting you. «

»It’s nothing. «, Steve replied quickly but Sarah only gave him an unimpressed look and he gave in, »It’s Bucky. «, he admitted, »I’m worried about him. «

»What happened? «

Steve blushed. He wasn’t even sure why, just that his mum had no idea Bucky and he had been sharing his bed every other night, »I’m afraid he’s going to do something stupid. «

»Now, that’s not like him. You’re the one who does stupid things usually, Stevie. «, Steve’s mum answered with a kind smile and Steve rolled his eyes. They always did that…ganging up on him. »What do you think he’ll do? «

Steve shrugged, »He came by last night…he seemed odd. «

»Steve…I know that James has been here almost every night for the past few weeks. «, Sarah told him and Steve looked up in surprise. There was no anger in her eyes, just amusement, »I ain’t stupid. «

»I know, I just thought…«, he didn’t even know what he had thought.

»I don’t mind. It’s better for him to sleep here than in that orphanage or god forbid on the streets. «

»But that’s just it…«, Steve began, »I think he’d rather live rough than accept my help. «

»You can’t force him, Steve. James’s a smart boy. He’ll figure it out. «, she pressed a light kiss on his forehead and stood up, »Now, I’ve gotta go to work. Be a good boy and don’t get into trouble. Love you. «,

»Love you too. « 

* * *

 

It had been two weeks since Bucky had moved into the Hooverville, _could be worse_ , he thought. The nights were cold as fuck but at least no one bothered him if he was up until late or not there at all. Jaret and Jenna proved to be great companions…maybe even friends. They had told him a bit about themselves; both were eighteen and came from Virginia. When the Depression had hit America, their parents had sent them to New York to find a job, »Well, you see how that turned out. «, Jaret had joked. Bucky was fascinated by the siblings. They were both clever and witty and not afraid to speak their mind. A bit like Steve really.

Steve. Bucky still visited his friend almost every day and so far, he had managed to hide his situation from him, making him feel worse and worse every time they saw each other. He just wished there was a way to tell Steve without actually telling him. During those two weeks, there had been in three fights, Bucky had had to bust Steve out of, which was a lot less than usual but he certainly wasn’t complaining. Maybe Steve would get a bit more responsible.

»Apologize to her! «

Or maybe not.

Bucky followed the sound of Steve’s voice and found him facing… Eric Brown?

»Or what, Rogers? What ya gonna do? You even hit like a girl. Fucking faggot. «, Brow spat out and Bucky could pin point the exact moment in which Steve saw red. He had to give it to his friend, what he lacked in size and skills, he made up for more than enough in enthusiasm and he had picked up a trick or two during the countless fight he’d been him. But still…he was no match for Brown and Bucky knew if he didn’t step in now, something bad would happen, »Oi, Brown! «, he called out, successfully distracting the guy and hitting him hard. Brown stumbled back and glared at Bucky, »Barnes, «, he acknowledged, »Still playing Rogers’ bodyguard then. «

»Walk away Brown. «

Eric Brown knew that, unlike Steve, Bucky knew how to fight and he was good at it. Maybe even better than Brown. The older boy sneered and turned back to Steve one last time, »Fairy. «, he snarled before leaving and Bucky looked at his friend, »Fucking hell, really Steve? Really? I leave you alone for five minutes…«, he shook his head.

»I didn’t need your help, y’know…I had it covered. «

»Sure ya did. «

»I’m not a fucking child Buck. «, Steve snapped, »I can look after myself. «

»But that’s the thing Stevie, you _can’t_. Not when you get yourselves into fights every other day just to proof a point. «

»Fuck you, Barnes. «, and with those words, Steve turned around and walked away.

»Oh come on, Steve. Steve! «, Bucky called out and ran after him, »I’m just trying to keep you safe. «

»No. No you’re trying to tell me what to do. But you don’t get to do that, Bucky. Not when you’re lying to me. «, the blonde argued and reeled around, his face was flushed and his fists were still tightly clenched into fists.

Bucky was taken aback, »What? «, he exclaimed.

»I _know_ , Bucky, «, Steve insisted, »I know that you’re keeping secrets and that’s fine, I guess. Just don’t be a hypocrite. « and then he left. This time, Bucky let him, knowing full well that following Steve would only end in another fight and that was the last thing he wanted right now. Cursing under his breath, Bucky turned the other way and walked back to Central Park. 

* * *

 

Steve was fuming, _fucking jerk, fucking telling me what to do, who the fuck does he fucking thing he is?_ There was a small part somewhere deep inside of him that knew he was being irrational. That Bucky only had his best interest in mind. _Well, fuck that._

His mum was at work when he got home and he was kind of grateful for that. Or very. She had always been able to see straight through him, calling him out whenever he had lied. Another thing she and Bucky had in common. _Don’t think about Bucky, dammit._

Angrily, Steve took off his jacket and threw it on his bed before starting to pace the room. He felt restless. Something had been off about Bucky ever since that last time he had slept in Steve’s bed two weeks ago. He was closed off and looked dirty most of the time and although Steve new what that meant he refused to believe it. _Stop thinking of Bucky,_ he told himself again and quickly grabbed his sketchbook. Drawing usually calmed him down. It emptied his mind and made him not think of anything. His hand moved over the page in frenzied, vigorous strokes, creating an image that seemed all too familiar. Steve stopped and took a moment to see what he was drawing. It was Bucky. With a strangled cry, Steve ripped out the page, crumpled it in his fist and tossed it against the wall.

Fucking _Bucky._

* * *

 

Bucky sat alone on a stump a bit off the Hooverville, trying to collect his own thoughts. Steve knew…and what did that mean for him? For them. The truth was, Bucky was ashamed. He didn’t want to admit to Steve just how much he was struggling. Didn’t want to see the look of pity in his friend’s eyes. Or Sarah’s.

»Mind if I join you? «. Bucky startled at the voice but relaxed once he saw that it was just Jared.

»Sure. «, he mumbled and the older boy sat down next to him.

»What’s wrong. «

»Nothin’ «

»Don’t look like nothing. «, Jared pointed out and Bucky snapped back, »Well then don’t look. «. Jared levelled him with a glance and a raised eyebrow, »Sorry. «, Bucky whispered. _God, I’m such an asshole._

»Wait here. «, Jared ordered and stood up to walk back to the Ville only to come back moments later with a bottle in his hand, filled with an amber liquid. He unscrewed it and held it out to Bucky, »What is that? «, he asked but took it anyway.

»What do you think, genius? «

Bucky took a sip and grimaced at the burning feeling of the whisky, causing Jared to chuckle next to him.

They sat and drank in silence and it didn’t take long for Bucky to start feeling cosily warm and buzzy and before he knew it, he was talking. » - I just don’t get it. I wanna help him he but won’t let me. «

»You care about him a lot don’t you? «, Jared questioned.

»Cause I do. He’s my best friend. We’re practically brothers. «, Bucky replied, his hands playing with the bottle.

»I’ve been meaning to ask, «, Jared started and took the whisky from Bucky, »You two seem pretty close, why not go and live with him? «

»Can’t. «, Bucky objected, »It’s just Steve and his ma and they don’t got much money as it is. I’d just be dead weight. «

»Huh. «, Jared looked thoughtful for a moment before speaking again, »Just tell me this, if your roles were reversed and it’d be you with a job and Steve came to you asking for help, would you take him in? Knowing he couldn’t pay you? «

»Of course I would. «, Bucky answered without hesitation. What kind of question was that even? He turned his head towards Jared and saw that the other boy was throwing him a meaningful glance; or rather a meaningless one. It was like he was trying to say everything and nothing at once, but mostly nothing and Bucky decided that he didn’t need to know.

They fell back into silence, the only sounds were the voices of the Hooverville and the rustling of leaves. Bucky felt much calmer now. He wasn’t sure if it was because of the whisky or because it had felt good to talk to Jared. Probably both.

Suddenly, two dark figures broke through the line of trees, giggling and stumbling forwards, holding onto each other. Bucky recognized one of them; Jones, a World War One veteran who had lost an ear in battle, the right side of his face completely scarred. Bucky watched the two men absentmindedly, as Jones held up the other guy, pulling him closer while also pushing him against a tree and…Bucky’s mind froze. They were _kissing._

»Get a room you two! «, Jared called out, sounding amused and Jones flipped him off but pulled back nonetheless, dragging his companion after him towards the shacks. They were long out of side but Bucky was still staring at the point where they had vanished, his eyes wide. »You okay? «, Jared asked. Bucky blinked, not answering, »You got a problem with that? «, there was something in the boy’s voice but it was impossible to say what it was. Anger? Suspicion? Defensiveness? Bucky blinked again, forcing himself to speak, »No? «, even to his own ears he sounded unsure, »It’s just…it’s illegal, isn’t it? «

»Well, yeah. «, Jared answered and shrugged, »But it’s not like anyone in this shithole gives a damn. We’re scum remember? «. _Right._ From the corner of his eyes, Bucky saw a smirk appearing on Jared’s face, »You ever kiss a dame? «, he asked and Bucky blushed which was apparently answer enough, »A fella? «

»No! «, Bucky answered harshly and Jared held up his hands in a calming gesture, »Relax. «, he told him, »You’d like to? «

Bucky’s head snapped around, convinced that he must have heard that wrong but the look the blonde was giving him was unmistakable, »You mean - «, he couldn’t say it. He _couldn’t._

»Only if you want to. «, Jared whispered and just when had he gotten so goddam close? Bucky gulped, his eyes involuntarily dropping to Jared’s lips and of course the boy noticed; his smirk growing even bigger. »James. «, the name sounded almost obscene coming from Jared's lips, sending shivers down Bucky’s spine and before he could completely process what he was doing he had his hand on Jared’s hips and turned fully around to face him. In the scarce light, he could see that the blonde’s eyes were even darker than usual and there was something in the back of his head telling him that that wasn’t right but he ignored it. »James. «, Jared whispered again and that was it. Something inside Bucky snapped and he crashed his mouth on Jared’s, surprised by how soft those lips felt on his own. There was a bit of stubble scratching over his skin and a strong hand grabbing his neck, holding him in place while Jared’s tongue nudged against his closed mouth; Bucky opened it and moaned lightly at the feeling. Jared tasted like whisky and honey and Bucky felt even more drunk than before, his heart beating wildly in his chest and he forgot. He forgot everything he had ever heard about this because _this,_ this was right. This _felt_ right. Jared’s chest was firm under his palm, the clear outlines of muscles as he moved his hand higher while Jared pulled back from the kiss, his lips red and swollen, and began nipping at Buck’s neck, gently taking his earlobe between his teeth and Bucky moaned again, louder this time and all his blood was travelling south to where he was beginning to get hard in his pants. _Oh god, what if someone sees us?_ The thought was terrifying but then again, Jones and his partner hadn’t cared about that so why should they.

_It’s not like anyone in this shithole gives a damn_ , Jared had said.

_Alright then,_ shifting closer, Bucky almost sat in the blonde’s lap now and Jared gasped. Now it was Bucky’s turn to smirk because he definitely wasn’t the only one who was turned on by this.

»You sure you never done this before? «, Jared panted and Bucky breathed out a laugh, »Guess I’m just a natural. «, he retorted. This was familiar ground. Flirting, being cocky and confident and winning people over with his charming smile. Feeling brave, Bucky’s hand that was not currently buried in Jared’s hair, wandered down to the boy’s crotch, palming him through the fabric of his trousers, »Jesus. «.

It was quick and dirty while they moaned into each other’s mouths, hands buried deep in their pants and when Bucky came, he had to bite down to stifle the sounds, drawing blood from Jared’s lip.

»You know, «, the older boy muttered after a moment of silence in which they both tried to catch their breath, »I might have a job for you. «


	4. Far From Heaven’s Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a few mentions of dub - con and attempted rape in this chapter, nothing too graphic but I thought I'd say it, just in case.  
> If you wanna skip that part, stop reading after "...you're a good whore, so act like one. " and start again at "Steve was in the middle of...".  
> Also internalized homophobia.

Steve had laid awake in his bed all night, staring at the ceiling.

Once the anger had subdued, Steve had had replayed the fight with Bucky, the words echoing in his head over and over and over again, making him feel miserable. Bucky had just tried to help and in the process saved Steve from some nasty bruises and possible greater injuries and Steve…Steve had acted like a complete dick. _I’m so sorry, Buck,_ he had kept thinking, wishing his best friend would come climbing through his window again. He hadn’t. Of course he hadn’t. Steve sighed, turning his head to look at the rising sun outside his window, he was going to find Bucky, and the then he was going to apologize.

Once Steve had arrived at the orphanage, he hesitated. The old, dark building had always given him the creeps and this time was no different.

»Can I help you? «, an old man with a bald head asked after Steve had finally knocked on the door.

»I’m looking for James Barnes? «

»He’s not here. «, the man snapped and _shit,_ because that…well, that couldn’t be good. _I should have known._

»Will he be back? «, Steve asked anyway because maybe it wasn’t what he thought it was.

»I hope not. I ever see that boy again, I’mma call the police. Now, get lost. «, the door shut in Steve’s face and Steve took a shaky breath. _Fuck. Shit fucking damn FUCK!_

* * *

 

Buck woke up with a headache and a distinct sense of shame. It took him a few minutes to remember why that was, but once he did, he wished he could forget it again.

 _Oh my god, I kissed Jared,_ he realised, still feeling the shadow of the older boy’s lips on his own. His hands all over his body. Bucky felt like he might be throw up.

_»You know, I might have a job for you. «_

Yep, definitely about to throw up. Once he had stumbled outside and emptied his stomach, it was a little better. His head was still throbbing and he still fell like shit but…at least he wasn’t sick anymore.

»James? James are you okay? «, Bucky jumped at Jared’s voice and when he turned around he saw the boy and his sister standing next to each other, both wrapped in blankets.

»Yeah. I’m fine. «, he replied flatly, not even caring how it sounded or what they thought. Jared furrowed his brow questioningly but Bucky just shook his head and walked away. He needed time. Time and space to clear his head and make sense of all this.  He had kissed Jared; he had had sex with Jared (well not really but it might as well have been that) and he had liked it. That was probably the most shocking part about all this. Sure, he had always appreciated a handsome man, had always tried to look the other way and lock those thoughts down somewhere, where no one could find them but that didn’t mean that he hadn’t been aware of them.

He remembered looking at Steve, little sweet Steve, lying in his bed, his skin burning hot with fever, sweat glistening on his forehead, clearly in pain. But then he had smiled and goddammit if that hadn’t been the most beautiful thing in the world.

He remembered, a few months ago, on Bucky’s birthday, how Steve had dragged him to Coney Island even though he hadn’t been allowed to leave the orphanage and Steve had still recovered from a bad asthma attack and he had told Steve, he had said, »No Stevie, this is a bad idea. You just ate three hot dogs, you’re gonna get sick. «, but Steve had just smiled at him all innocently and batted his eyelashes and taken Bucky’s hand and they had had to sneak on the Cyclone because Steve was too small and then Steve had in fact thrown up and Bucky had given him the biggest ‘I told you so’ in all history but it had been worth it. And Bucky remembered thinking, _if one day I had to die to save this kid, I would._

Bucky was in the middle of a street, thinking back on those memories – and froze.

»Shit. «, he breathed out, _I’m in love with Steve._

A car honked loudly and Bucky startled out of his thoughts, looking around where he was and he almost laughed when he saw where his feet had taken him without him even realising. 

* * *

 

It hadn’t been a conscious decision. Not really. More like a feeling that if Bucky would go anywhere to find solace, it would be here. It was their place. Kind of anyway. An abandoned building at the docks, half falling apart and certainly not safe to enter but that had never stopped them from climbing onto the roof and looking over the river towards Staten Island.

Finding it had been completely by accident. Steve had been eight or nine and gotten into a fight because a group of older boys had been making fun of Harvey Ranson because of his skin colour. Bucky had, like always, saved Steve’s ass and together they had started running except Steve couldn’t really run because of his feet, so Bucky had piggybacked him while the group of bullies had chased after them and they had needed someplace to hide. The building had been their first choice. 

Steve climbed through one of the broken windows, the sound of broken glass underneath his feet while he walked the familiar way towards the ladder which let up to the roof. The hatch was rusty and squeaked when he opened it; Steve struggled a bit to pull himself up but managed it eventually and let the hatch fall back shut. Bucky sat on the far end of the roof, legs dangling over the edge and he must have heard Steve coming but he didn’t turn around. Without saying a word, Steve walked over to his friend and sat down next to him, taking in the view. Steve wasn’t sure how long they sat like that, five minutes or five hours and he didn’t really care; at some point though he couldn’t take it any longer, »I’m so sorry Buck. «, he almost whispered and Bucky frowned, »What are you sorry for? «, he asked confused without looking at Steve.

»Yesterday. I behaved like a real prick. «

»Oh. That. «, Bucky’s voice was distant, like his thoughts were somewhere else completely, »Forget about it, pal. You had a point. «

»That ain’t no reason to talk to my friend like that. «, Steve argued bashfully. »I don’t want us to fight. «

»We’re not fighting Stevie. «, Bucky replied softly, only now looking at Steve and there was something in his eyes that was unreadable but hurt Steve nonetheless. »You were right, «, he went on, »I was bein’ a hypocrite. «, the brunette averted his eyes again, watching the horizon.

»I went to the orphanage earlier. «, Steve confessed and Bucky nodded like he had expected as much. He probably had. »Why didn’t you say anything? «

Bucky shrugged, »Didn’t wanna be a burden. «

»You’re not. Never. Bucky we - «, Steve started but the older boy interrupted him, »No, Stevie. I’m sorry, I really am but I can’t accept your charity, okay? I just can’t. «

»It’s not charity. «, Steve insisted, »Don’t you get it? You’re family. «, Steve let out a shaky breath and dropped his gaze down to his hands, »Just tell me you ain’t sleeping on the streets, Buck. Please. «

Bucky shifted lightly before answering, »Not exactly. «

»What’s that mean? «

»I’m at the Hooverville in Central Park. «, his friend explained, the words feeling like a punch to the guts for Steve because _fucking hell, Bucky._ He wanted to scream at his friend to come home with him, wanted to take his hand and physically drag him there, but he didn’t; he knew Bucky wouldn’t let him.

»I’m so sorry. «, he muttered again.

A strong arm was slung over his shoulder as Bucky pulled him closer, his voice low, »You listen to me, Stevie, none of this is your fault. You hear me? None of it. I did some stupid shit and I should’ve known better than to get caught. That ain’t on you, it’s on me and I promise I’m alright. It ain’t even that bad. There’s this fella there, Jared, he said he can get me a job. Once I got some money, I come live with you, okay? I’ll pay rent and everything, not because I have to, but because I want to. Cause you an’ your mum deserve that. «

Steve knew there was no arguing with Bucky on this; he had made up his mind and although Steve was undeniably the stubborn one, Bucky could be just as bad sometimes.

»Alright, just…be careful. «

»You’re telling me to be careful? «, Bucky asked with fake exasperation and Steve shoved his friend lightly.

»Jerk. «, he muttered and Bucky laughed, »Language. « 

* * *

 

Admittedly, it had felt nice to tell Steve the truth and he had meant every word when he had said that he had every intention to live with him once he had money except… _except,_ he wasn’t sure if that money was really worth it. Worth the things he was supposed to do for it.

»It’s hard to find a job these days. «, Jared explained, »Believe me I’ve tried. I went to every shop in town, every factory but they don’t even have enough money to keep the people they have so…there’s other ways. It ain’t exactly honest work but pays good if you know what to do and I think you might be real good, James. Looking like you do, some people’re gonna be willing to pay a lot of money. « Bucky knew what kind of work Jared was talking about. Of course he knew; he wasn’t stupid. He’d heard about it. Young fellas in dark alleys and street corners doing _favours_ for the rich. »I know a guy who can set you up. «

Bucky gulped, chewing on his lower lip. He didn’t want to…but what else was he supposed to do? He couldn’t go on living like this, getting food from the soup kitchen, stealing from stores or people on the streets…it wasn’t right. _And I promised Stevie._

»Alright. «, Bucky was surprised at how sure his voice sounded, how doubtless. There was a moment in which he thought he saw something like victory flashing in Jared’s eyes but then it was gone, replaced by sadness and the older boy nodded and left.

He had honestly thought he’d already hit rock bottom when he had been thrown out of the orphanage and moved into Hooverville. Well, he couldn’t have been more wrong.

»Yeah, just like that baby. You feel so good. «, the man Bucky was currently kneeling in front of moaned while Bucky sucked him off. It had been a few weeks now since Bucky had had his first ‘customer’, an old man, obviously a ‘friend’ of Jared who had insisted on calling him Luca and kept talking Italian to him. It wasn’t more than dirty hand – and blowjobs because no matter how desperate Bucky was, he would never, ever go further with anyone for money, _or anyone that isn’t Steve, really._ Because yeah…he was that pathetic. But the worst thing? The worst thing wasn’t the strangers who called him a whore or sweetheart or babydoll, wasn’t the dicks he swallowed down like fricking lollipops, and it wasn’t the money either, making him feel like a cheap rent boy, which he was, technically. No, the worst thing was that it wasn’t even that bad. Bucky hated every damn erection he got when jerking off another man, hated the pleasure of doing something so excitingly _wrong_.

The thing Bucky hated the most about his job was that he didn’t hate it and just what did that say about him?

He didn’t let the men touch him though. Not that many wanted to anyway, he wasn’t payed for that after all but once or twice, they offered to ‘return the favour’ and every time, Bucky declined with a sick feeling in his stomach; instead he and Jared kept getting off together. Whenever one of them felt horny, they would come to the other to release the pressure, oftentimes getting drunk before or after. All in all, Bucky couldn’t believe how low he had actually sunken and then Jared manged to top even that, »I’ve heard you got quite a reputation by now. «, he said one night while the two of them shared a bottle of whisky and a pack of cigarettes.

»So? «, Bucky grumbled.

»So…you could make even more y’know…go all the way. «

»I ain’t letting nobody fuck me, J. «, Bucky slurred.

»C’mon, James. I know you get off on it, the dirtiness of it…you’re a good whore, so act like one. «

There was something profoundly wrong with that sentence but Bucky was way too drunk to figure out what it was, »Fuck you. «, he replied instead and Jared laughed darkly, »That’s the idea…y’know if you’re nervous, I’d be happy to be your first. «, a hand landed on Bucky’s thigh, warm and strong, the thumb rubbing small circles over the fabric of his trousers.

»No. «, Bucky answered, while the hand wandered further up towards his crotch, »I said no. «, Bucky quickly took hold of Jared’s hand and removed it from his leg but the older boy was quicker, pinning him down to the ground.

»J. Jared, stop it for fuck’s sake. «, he growled out while Jared began licking and sucking at his neck.

»Oh, but you want this. «, he whispered into Bucky’s ear, voice low and dark and then his belt was being unbuckled and Bucky began to panic, _No I don’t,_ he thought, _I don’t, I don’t I don’t_

»I don’t! «, the words came out as an angry cry as he shoved Jared back violently, »You sick son of a bitch. «, scrambling to his feet, Bucky began running through the dark not even caring where he was going just that he needed to get away. Far, far away. 

* * *

 

Steve was in the middle of reheating some leftover watery soup for dinner when he heard frantic knocking on the door. With a frown, Steve set down the bowl he had been holding, to see who could have possibly come by this late.

»Bucky? «, he asked in utter disbelieve while he took in his best friend’s appearance. Bucky’s hair was a complete mess, sticking up in all directions, his clothes were dirty and his belt was unbuckled; there was a hounded expression in his eyes and he was panting heavily as if he had been running, »What happened? «, Bucky stumbled into the flat and Steve had to steady him, that’s when he noticed the smell, »Are you drunk? «

Slowly, Bucky shook his head, he was shivering and something told Steve that it wasn’t from the cold. »Come on. «, gently, Steve tucked at Bucky’s hand and led him towards the couch, »Sit down, take off your jacket and shoes. I’ll get you something you eat. «, he ordered and hurried to the stove. When he returned with two bowls of soup, Bucky’s coat and shoes lay on the floor and Steve quickly grabbed a blanket which his friend accepted without a word.

They ate in silence; Steve knew that Bucky wouldn’t talk until he wanted to and hat was okay. There was no need to press. He wasn’t sure how long it took but at some point, Bucky stopped shaking, the tension gradually waning from his shoulders and when he set down his empty bowl, he seemed almost relaxed.

»I didn’t know where else go. «, it was the first time Bucky spoke since he had arrived, his voice raspy and weak, »I’m sorry. «

»Don’t apologize. «, why the hell would he apologize?

»Do you think I – uhm…do you think I could stay here for a bit? «, he still didn’t meet Steve eyes but that was okay too.

»Of course. You can always stay here, you know that. «

»Thanks Stevie. «

Steve quickly wrapped his arms around his friend, holding him the way Bucky always held him when he was hurt or ill and Bucky leaned into the touch, burrowing his head in Steve’s chest until they both fell asleep. It was Sarah who found them exactly like that when she got home from her shift and she smiled when she saw both her boys lying on the couch. 

* * *

 

Another week went by. Two weeks, A month.

Bucky still hadn’t told Steve what had happened and Steve didn’t ask. Bucky was grateful for that. Living with the Rogers was like everything he had ever imagined it to be. It was warm and kind. It was home. He helped with the money he had earned and kept looking out for a job. A proper one. He didn’t ever want to go back to what he had done. Being a whore. In fact, he just wanted to forget that that had ever happened in the first place. It worked. Kind of. That was until Steve and Bucky went out to celebrate Bucky’s birthday.

»What d’ya think about her? «, Bucky asked, nodding towards a small girl with long, blonde hair, blue eyes and a blue dress, »She’s cute. «

Steve rolled his eyes, not even turning his head to look at the girl but rather staring at his beer, Bucky had made Steve promise not to drink too much since neither of them wanted to find out what Steve’s body made of large quantities of alcohol.

»If you fancy her so much, why don’t you dance with her yourself? «, the blonde muttered into his drink. _Because I don’t want to,_ Bucky thought but he couldn’t exactly say that, could he because how would he justify that? _Sorry Stevie but I don’t want to dance with her. Why, you ask? Well, because I’m madly in love with you, ya punk._ Yeah, no…that wasn’t happening any time soon. Preferably never. So instead Bucky shrugged and emptied his own beer, »That’s exactly what I’m gonna do. «, he informed his friend and hopped of his stool.

That’s how ended up dancing with Nancy. Nancy was 18, born and raised in Brooklyn, just like Bucky and she had a passion for Shakespeare. It was fun, it really was, unlike Steve, Bucky knew how to dance and Nancy was a good partner; she laughed when Bucky swivelled her around on his arm and pressed closer when he held her in his arms, clearly displaying her interest…and that was just it, wasn’t it? Because Bucky didn’t want it. Because Bucky wasn’t interested in her like that although he knew he should be. He should be excited by her gentle curves and the flowery scent of her perfume but all he could think was how wrong it was and he kept thinking back to Jared ( _don’t do it, don’t go there_ ) and to Steve and that was when he politely excused himself to go to the bathroom. It wasn’t fair on her playing her like this. Not when he couldn’t give her what she obviously wanted. There were names for people like that, people like him. _Queer boy_ , her thought, _fairy._ Maybe he should have been the one called Nancy.

When Bucky came out again, Nancy was already dancing with someone else and Bucky tried hard not to let his relief show. »You okay Buck? «, which of course didn’t work with Steve. It never did.

»Sure, Steve. «, he answered anyway, »Why don’t we go back home. «

»If you want…it’s your birthday. «

»Exactly, «, _and I wanna spent it with you._

»Alright, just give me a minute. «, Steve stood up and went to the toilet himself while Bucky already went outside to light up a cigarette.

»Hello mio caro, «, a low voice muttered behind his back and Bucky jumped nearly dropping the cig, »Remember me, Luca? «. Oh, he remembered.

»What do you want? «, Bucky asked stiffly.

»Now don’t be like that…I haven’t seen you in a while, I was worried something happened to you. «

»It hasn’t, now get lost. I ain’t interested. «, he turned around and glared at the man who just looked amused. He opened his mouth to reply something when the door of the bar opened once again and Steve stepped out, stepping next to Bucky and the man’s eyes grew wide, »Ah, I see how it is. «, he smiled slyly, »Well, you’re a lucky fella cause he’s a real treat, if you know what I mean «, the man chuckled, »Don’t forget about me, l’amore. I’ll be waiting. «, he blew a kiss towards Bucky and disappeared into the shadows, leaving behind a terrified Bucky and a confused Steve.

»What. The Hell. Was that? «, Steve asked, still staring at where the men had gone.

»That was nothing, «, Bucky answered hastily, »Can we just - «, but Steve was already interrupting him, »No Bucky, you’re gonna tell me what’s going on. I haven’t asked because I figured you’d tell me eventually but I don’t think you will, so this is me asking: What the fuck is going on? «, he wasn’t angry. Not really. Angry Steve looked different but Bucky could definitely see the deep concern in his friend’s eyes. He swallowed, trying to think. He couldn’t lie. Not to Steve.

»Not here. «, he muttered eventually, already regretting his decision, »Come on, I promise I’ll tell you everything once we get home. «

Steve stared at him for a moment longer before nodding, »Alright, let’s go. «

They walked in silence. It wasn’t the easy going, comfortable silence that they usually shared, it was tense and filled with unspoken words and unasked questions and by the time Steve unlocked the door to the flat, Bucky felt ready to throw up.

»So…«, Steve prompted, throwing Bucky an expecting look.

»So? «

»Cut the crap, Bucky. Who was that man back there? And why did he freak you out like that? «

Bucky sighed, running his hand though his hair. He had known this would come at some point, had dreaded it and now that it had actually come he had no idea what to say, »Steve…«, he started but stopped himself, trying to find the right words, »Stevie…you remember Louis? «, he asked and Steve nodded, furrowing his brow, »You remember what they used to say about him? «

»Yeah…Eric Brown always called him a queer, said that he…did things with other men for money. «, Steve recalled.

»Yeah. «, Bucky confirmed and swallowed hard.

»What are you saying? Wait…are you trying to tell me that - «, the end of the sentence hung in the air but neither of them managed to actually say it out loud. It wasn’t necessary anyway. Bucky nodded, his eyes closed, »Steve, you have to understand…I was desperate and I needed money and…it’s easy, y’know? «

»And that man back there was one of your…one of the men that you…«

»Yeah. «, he gulped again, »Jared knows some people and he…he helped me. «, _he used me._

»Jared. «, Steve repeated slowly, »Your friend from Hooverville? «

»He’s not my friend. «, Bucky winced at the bitterness and the anger in his own voice.

»Buck…Bucky…look at me please. «, Steve whispered and he sounded so heartbroken that Bucky couldn’t help it. He opened his eyes. »Did Jared…did he…touch you? «, there were tears glistening in his friend’s eyes and it pained Bucky to him that way. _Goddammit Steve,_ he thought, _you’re not supposed to react like this. Why won’t get angry? Why won’t you hate me?_ He supposed his silence was answer enough, judging by the choked sound coming out of Steve’s mouth, »Jesus Buck…why didn’t you - «

»Tell you? «, Bucky finished the question, »Why do you think? Anyway, nothing happened. I shoved him off and came here. « Steve nodded, still crying silently., »And don’t worry. I won’t do it again. «

»Good, because…you don’t have to, Bucky. You don’t have to give us money to live here. «

And now Bucky was crying too, _great,_ he thought, wiping away his tears.

»Buck? «, Steve asked much later when they lay next to each other in bed.

»Huh? «

Steve didn’t speak for a long time and Bucky though he might have fallen asleep, but then, »Before Jared tried to…do that…did you two ever – I mean, have you ever – are you - ? «, his friend stuttered and Bucky closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, _here we go,_ »Steve, don’t. The answer is yes but…please don’t ask me. Please don’t make me say it. «, he pleaded quietly. Steve drew in a sharp breath as if to reply something but Bucky cut him off, »I mean it Steve. This is dangerous. What do you think will happen if anyone finds out? It’s bad enough if it’s just me but they found out that you knew? And you didn’t say anything? They could hurt you, Steve. They could hurt you real bad. I don’t want that to happen. «, the thought of Steve, being beaten up because of him…it was unbearable.

»Okay Bucky. But just so you know…I don’t care. You’re still my best friend. «

And as if to prove his point he rolled on his side and lay down his head on Bucky chest, positively snuggling up on him and although it was just a gesture, just a sign of their friendship, Bucky felt his heart skip a beat and he fell asleep with a smile on his lips.


	5. And Everything Stands Still

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Line of the poem is from "Aedg Wishes for the Clithes of Heaven" by W. B. Yeats.

It was a Thursday when Steve’s world fell apart.

Sarah had been sick for weeks now, diagnosed with tuberculosis and Steve knew; he knew that she wouldn’t survive. The doctor had told him as much. _But how do you prepare for the slow death of your mother?_ Steve didn’t know. It hurt. It hurt so fucking much, seeing her fade away before his eyes. Steve spent every day at the hospital, hours upon hours beside her bed, reading her stories or just talking to her but mostly she was sleeping and Steve was doing his best to be strong. Bucky came with sometimes when he didn’t have to work. Today, was a day where he had to go alone again and the image of his mum, Sarah Rogers, the strongest, most beautiful woman in the world, lying there ashen, with sunken, bloodshot eyes…it broke Steve’s heart.

»Hello sweetheart, «, Sarah whispered.

»Hi mum. How are you feeling? «, Steve caressed her cheek and gently tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

»Don’t you worry about me. «, his mum smiled weakly, »What about you? Is your stomach acting up again? «

»Mum - «, Steve struggled for words, it was typical, really; she was the one lying in the hospital and she was worried about Steve’s stomach. »I’m fine mum. I’m fine. «, and then he began telling her about her day, about how Bucky had managed to nearly sat the flat on fire while frying some eggs, about how Mr. Cameron had fallen down the stairs, about how he had drawn a new picture of her, »I sold some drawing today too. Pretty sure we can have a decent dinner this weekend «, he smiled at Sarah, squeezing her hand lightly, »I promise to bring you some. «

»Stevie - «, she was cut off by heavy coughing and Steve quickly reached for the glass of water, »Careful, mum. «, he whispered but Sarah just shook her head, »Stevie, listen to me. «, her voice was weak and her eyes almost closed while she drew in a rattling breath, »Stevie I am so proud of you. And I am so happy that I got to see you grow up…it’s all I ever wanted. «, another cough, »But you listen to me you stubborn punk, you finally get a grip on yourself and tell James how you feel, you got me? «

»Mum! «, Steve stared at his mother, eyes wide in shock, »It’s not – I don’t - «

»Now don’t you dare lie to your mother on her deathbed. «, Steve could still see the fire in her eyes. The fire that had made her so strong for so long. It was merely a shadow but it was there and Steve couldn’t help but to laugh, »You just promise me that you’ll tell him. «

Hot tears ran down Steve’s face and he nodded, »I promise. «. But Sarah couldn’t hear him, her body violently shaken by more coughs, little drops of blood running down her chin. »Steve, I - «, she rasped in between but no further words came out and although it had been bad for days now, Steve had never seen her like this. Her skin felt like it was on fire, her entire body burning up, there was more blood landing on her bedsheets and Steve could feel himself panicking. »Mum. Mum! We need a doctor here! «, he yelled, never taking his eyes off Sarah. He heard hurried steps and the banging of a door and then they were surrounded by people and someone grabbed his arm and dragged him outside, speaking word he couldn’t understand. It felt like a he was stuck in a nightmare and he couldn’t wake up, he watched people passing him by, more people trying to talk to him and there was a doctor, slowly shaking his head, his eyes sad, pitying and although Steve knew what it meant, he didn’t want to believe it. 

* * *

 

Bucky came home late from work, covered in dirt and sweat. He was tired. The job at the docks was exhausting but he counted himself lucky for finding it; especially now that Sarah was so sick.

He opened the door to the flat, frowning when he found it in darkness; Steve usually waited up for him so they could eat dinner together, _he was probably just tired,_ he mused. Taking care of his mum, drained Steve. The constant stress making his stomach hurt, sitting by his ma’s bed for hours on end, worsening his already bad back and during the last six weeks alone he’d had three heavy asthma attacks. Bucky nearly had a heart attack when he saw the shadow sitting at the table.

»Steve? «, he asked quietly, touching for the light switch. Steve sat with his back to the door so he couldn’t see his face, however, Bucky could see the bottle of whisky and the empty glass in front of it. _What the hell?_ »Steve, what - «, he rounded the table and froze when he saw the dried tears on his friend’s face. Swiftly, his eyes roamed over Steve’s body, searching for injuries but… _when has he ever cried because of a fight?_ The answer was easy…but that meant – _oh god, please don’t let it be –_

»She’s dead. «, Steve’s voice was hollow, his eyes empty and Bucky felt like someone had snatched the floor from under his feet; he was falling endlessly into a pit of darkness, his body frozen to where he stood in the tiny flat in Brooklyn. Sarah’s flat. His home. 

* * *

 

The funeral was a small affair; not that they could have afforded anything big. Ever since the night Sarah had died, Steve hadn’t shed another tear. He felt empty.

_You just promise me that you’ll tell him._

_I promise._

Every time Steve closed his eyes, he could see her. Hear her voice. She was always there, smiling at him.

_You just promise me that you’ll tell him._

Tell him what exactly? What was there to tell?

_Now don’t you dare lie to your mother on her deathbed._

_I promise._

His ma was – _had been,_ he reminded himself, _had been_ – the one person who had always known him better than anyone. Better than he knew himself. Just like Bucky.

_I promise._

Steve remembered every time he had gotten into a fight, no matter how much he had covered it up…she’d just _known._ Just like she had known that Bucky had snuck into his room every night. Just like she had known…this. Whatever this was.

_I promise._

Steve didn’t even know when it had happened; when his best friend had become so much more than that. Bucky was his hero, his shelter. He was always there, no matter what.

_I promise._

It hurt. Bucky was the rising sun, a beautiful star, burning bright and eternal and Steve…Steve was nothing compared to that. A scrawny little guy who wouldn’t even have survived this long without his mum and his best friend and yet…Bucky did everything for him. He was working 12 hours a day, every day; while all Steve could do, was sell everything he could find and didn’t deem absolutely necessary for living. It wasn’t enough.

»I’m sorry Mr. Rogers, I really am. I understand that this is a difficult time for you but you also have to see the position _I’m_ in. You’re already two months late with the rent and don’t even get me started on the bills. If you told me now, you could pay all that off and give me the rent for the next two months well…we wouldn’t have a problem. But you can’t, can you? Because if you did, you would have already done that. «, the landlord took a deep breath, »I apologize but you have to be gone by the end of the month. «. And that was it. Steve ran his hand through his hair, trying to take deep breaths. He could feel the panic rising in his chest, _shit, shit, SHIT! What the hell are we going to do?_ As his breath came out way too quick and way too shallow and _Jesus fucking Christ, ‘m gonna give myself an asthma attack._

»Steve. Steve! «, that was Bucky’s voice, right next to his good ear and Bucky’s hands on both his shoulders. »Steve, look at me, it’s gonna be fine. _We’re_ gonna be fine. «, the brunette assured him but Steve just kept shaking his head, »How can you say that? How can you know that? Buck, we can’t even pay the damn hospital bills, how are we supposed to pay the rent? «

»I don’t know, «, Bucky answered honestly, »But we’ll figure it out. I promise. «

_You just promise me that you’ll tell him._

_I promise._

But what if he couldn’t keep that promise? Steve felt like a coward, a traitor. He was scared to lose the last thing he had left now. To lose his best friend. His sun. No, no more than that. His world. Because here standing in Bucky’s arms, that’s what Bucky was. His anchor that kept him from floating away, that grounded him and kept him safe.

_I promise._

But there was no way Bucky could ever feel the same – was there? Steve remembered the little sparkle in his mum’s eyes, like she’d known something that he didn’t. And he remembered the walk home after the funeral.

_I’m with you till the end of the line, pal._

Oh.

_I promise.  
_

* * *

 

Bucky felt like crying. He really wanted to, but he didn’t. Couldn’t. he had to stay strong for Steve. Steve who hadn’t slept in a week. Steve who wouldn’t eat. Steve who hardly said a word these days.

God, he missed Sarah. They both did.

_»James, darling, thank you so much. «_

_»For what? What are you talking about, Sarah? «_

_»Stevie. You always take so good care of my boy, you always have. I don’t know what I would have done without you. «_

_»Nah, that’s fine. It’s my job. «_

_»But it’s so much more than that. I can see how much you love him. «_

_»Sarah - «_

_»Shh, it’s okay. It’s okay sweetheart. Just promise me that you’ll stay with him. Stay with him okay? He needs you. «_

_»I promise. «_

Bucky couldn’t shake the feeling that she really had seen it. And that she had understood because, really? How could anybody know Steve and not love him entirely and absolutely.

»How do you feel? «, Bucky had asked after the funeral, side glancing his friend in deep concern. Steve had shrugged, »I’m fine Buck. «

Bucky could still see the tremor in his friend’s hands as he had tried to fit the key into the lock, »Let me. «, gently, he had pushed Steve aside and opened the door.

»You can leave, y’know. «, Steve had muttered later that day, »There’s nothing left for you here. I’m gonna lose the flat, I know I will, so you should get out while you still can. «

»You’re wrong, «, Bucky had answered immediately, »First of all, _we_ are going to lose it. And then _we_ are going to deal with it. I ain’t going nowhere, Stevie. I promised your ma to look after you, so that’s what I’ll do. «, _I love you,_ »I’m with you till the end of the line, pal. «

He had meant it. Every single word of it. He would stay with Steve and he would protect him and if that was the last thing he did.

 _I promise._

* * *

 

The world kept on turning. October became November, became December and the city was covered in snow and ice while everyone began preparing for Christmas. The first Christmas without Sarah Rogers.

It was only due to Joe, Bucky’s mate from the docks, that they weren’t living on the streets now. It wasn’t much. It was even less than they had had with his ma. A single room with a kitchen area, a table, two chairs and a mattress; a communal bathroom at the end of the hallway; walls that were so thin you could practically hear the other people’s breath from the other side and neighbours that didn’t care about the latter. It was far from home but it didn’t matter because they had each other. _Bucky and Steve against the rest of the world,_ Steve thought bitterly. It just wasn’t fair…the way Bucky had to work his ass off just so they had a roof over their head and wouldn’t starve while all Steve could do was sell shitty drawings because, honestly? Who would employ a guy like him?

»I should just come to the docks with you tomorrow and ask for a job, «, Steve argued for the tenth time this week.

»We’ve been over this Steve, «, Bucky replied with a deep sigh, »You can’t. That job would kill you. Besides, we’re doing okay, ain’t we? «

»That’s not the point, Bucky. «, Steve protested, »I feel fucking useless, stuck here all day. «

»I know…«, another sigh, »Look just…let me talk to a few people…maybe someone knows something that doesn’t involve hard, manual labour. Okay? «, he looked at Steve, eyes pleading and Steve felt worse than he already did because, _it’s not Bucky’s fault that I can’t do anything._ He nodded, »Okay. «

»Okay. «, his friend breathed out and relaxed visibly, »Can we go to bed now, please? «

So they did. Squeezed side by side on the mattress under a mountain of quilts, Steve was violently aware of every movement Bucky did, every breath he took, every word he spoke no matter how quiet. It’d been like this ever since Steve had realised that he might (most definitely) have feeling for his friend that went beyond friendship. And that maybe, just maybe, Bucky could return those feelings. It was subtle and anyone else wouldn’t have noticed but now that Steve actually paid attention to it, he did. It was in the way Bucky looked at him sometimes, eyes soft and full of affection, like there was nothing else in the world; the way both their touches lingered; the way Bucky smiled, like his heart was slowly breaking.

_I’m with you till the end of the line, pal_

_I love you too, Buck._

* * *

 

Joe was a nice guy. A little rough on the edges but at least he wasn’t the kind of crude that some of the other guys were that worked at the docks. Bucky wouldn’t call him a friend but they did spend their breaks together, smoking and talking. Joe would tell him about his wife Kelly or his daughter Dorothy and in return Bucky talked about Steve.

»That guy of yours sounds like a real firecracker, «, Joe joked during another of their breaks. By now, Bucky was used to it; the way the older man always insinuated _something_ although he never meant it. Not really. So instead of replying, Bucky simply rolled his eyes and took another drag of his cigarette. »He get along with kids? «

»Yeah. Why? «

»My Kelly’s getting back into her job and we mighta need someone to look after Dora. But I don’t trust no strangers, so how reliable is this guy? «

»I’d trust Steve with my life. «, Bucky answered without hesitation. It was even a question.

»Well then, you tell your Steve he can come by tomorrow, 9 a.m. «

»Thanks Joe. We sure appreciate it. «

»Don’t sweat it, Barnes. «

When Bucky got home, he expected to find Steve the way he had found him every day since Sarah had died; lying on the couch, miserable, with crumpled and torn papers all over the floor. He had not expected to find his friend kneeling over an open box. _The_ box. The box with Sarah’s stuff that they had decided to keep but not looked at since.

»Hey Buck. «, Steve greeted him after Bucky had spent a good five minutes standing in the middle of their one room apartment, staring at Steve’s back.

»Hey, «, he replied weakly, »Are you okay? «.

Steve nodded.

Slowly, Bucky approached the blonde and crouched down next to him, seeing the fresh tears glistening on his pale skin. The first tears, Steve had allowed himself to cry since the day Sarah had died.

»Hey - «, he wanted to reach out and wipe those tears away, wanted to embrace Steve and tell him that it was okay. But he didn’t. Instead he continued, »You could have said something. We could have done this together. «

»Shit, I’m sorry Buck - «, Steve started but Bucky cut him off, »Don’t apologize, Steve. She was your mum. «

»She was yours too. «, Steve muttered, his eyes still fixed on the box and the items lying on the floor. It wasn’t much, but everything they had kept was so thoroughly ‘Sarah’ that it hurt just looking at it. There were a few books, a photo album, letters, a few recipes and a golden pin in form of a four – leave clover; Bucky couldn’t remember ever having seen it before but Steve picked it up with a fond expression in his eyes, »It’s a family heirloom, «, he explained quietly, »The only thing ma had left of her family. «, he smiled sadly, »She gave it to my dad when he went to war…they sent it back to her after he fell. It’s a symbol of luck and hope…and love. «

»It’s beautiful. «, Bucky whispered in lack for better words because it was and Bucky could see how much it meant to Steve. Bucky picked up the photo album, it was a heavy book, bound in leather; Bucky ran his fingers over the engraving and read, »Tread softly because you tread on my dreams. «

»My dad gave that to my mum when they married. It’s a line from a poem. «

»They really loved each other. «

»I guess they did. «

Bucky opened the book and was met by an old picture of a young Sarah and a tall, handsome man with dark hair, »That your dad? «, he asked, not taking his eyes from the photo.

»Yeah, he and mum came here after the marriage. They were happy. Then dad got drafted for the War…never came back. «

»107th, right? «, Bucky asked, trying to recall what Steve had told him about his dad.

»Yeah, «, Steve nodded, »If what they say is true and there will be another war, I want to be there. I want to stand where my father stood. «

 _Oh no you won’t,_ Bucky thought, _not as long as I’m around,_ »Well…let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. «, he offered his friend a weak smile and turned back to the photo album. There were more pictures of Steve’s parents, always laughing, always happy. And then it stopped. The next photo was of a new born Steve in Sarah’s arms, »You were so tiny. «, Bucky said teasingly earning himself a shove from Steve that had him tumbling to the floor, »Shut up, Jerk. «, Steve muttered but there was no heat behind his words

»Language. «, it was a natural response. One that Sarah had always had when they had said ‘bad words’ even though she had sworn more than the two of them together and at some point, they had started doing it too but…somehow it was different now that Sarah was gone.

»I really miss her, «, Steve whispered.

»Me too. «

There were more pictures of Steve as a child, always small, always skinny and then Bucky began to appear in them as well and _holy shit, this is so weird._ Bucky had never really thought about how much time he had spent with the Rogers until now. There were Steve and he, eating ice cream on a hot summer day; Bucky teaching Steve how to ride a bike; Bucky and Steve proudly presenting something they had built in school; Bucky and Steve dressed up in silly clothes; Bucky and Steve at their first attempt to cook breakfast together; Bucky and Steve; Bucky and Steve; Bucky and Steve…he hadn’t even realised he had started crying until a tear dropped on the paper and he quickly wiped his eyes. The last picture was of the three of them, sitting in a park, smiling at the camera. Bucky remembered that day. It had been Sarah’s last birthday and Bucky and Steve had decided to take her out for burgers and milkshakes. It had been a good day.

 _I miss her too._

* * *

 

Looking after Dora was something Steve thoroughly enjoyed. The girl was smart and a bit shy and she loved drawing, so most of the time, Steve sat with her and they drew in silence until Steve began teaching her a few tricks he knew, helping her improve her work and they quickly bonded over the beauty of everyday stuff. Things could have been good. Except, Steve still couldn’t get his mum’s words out his head and the promise he had made to her. Every time Bucky was in the room, Steve was hyper aware of everything he did and he could no longer ignore the fact that Bucky was seeking him out. There was just no other word for it. In contrast to that, Bucky was going out almost every night now, sometimes alone, sometimes with some gal he’s met on the street. They didn’t talk about it. Ever since Bucky had told him…the _thing_ , he hadn’t mentioned it again and Steve didn’t ask, but he did notice the nights when Bucky came home from a night out, smelling of sweat and beer and musk. Tonight, was one of those nights where he had asked someone out, Cindy or Cathy or maybe Carmen. Steve didn’t know and he honestly didn’t care. He had waited long enough. Waited for Bucky to say something, do something, anything. He never did.

He could see the clear surprise on Bucky’s face when he saw that Steve was still up, sitting on the mattress, wrapped up in a blanket.

»Hey, didn’t expect to see you awake. «, Bucky greeted him while he took off his jacket and loosened his tie. Steve didn’t respond to his words, simply watched his friend while he shed his layers and transformed from James Buchanan Barnes, handsome devil with a charming smile that made every dame weak in the knees, to Bucky, Steve’s life – long friend. Bucky could probably feel the weight of Steve’s eyes on him but he didn’t say anything, instead he went to the kitchen and drank some water.

»Why do you keep doing it? «, Steve asked into the silence and Bucky turned around, his brows furrowed, »Do what? «, he asked.

»Why do you keep going out with all them dames if you’re not interested in them? «

Bucky froze. This was the first time in two years that this was broad up, »You know why, Steve. «, Bucky answered, leaning against the counter, »If I didn’t, people would start talking and we don’t need that kinda attention. «

»I don’t go out with girls and no one cares. «, Steve pointed out, knowing that it was hardly comparable.

»Yeah, that’s cause you’re hopeless with the dames. «, Bucky joked, putting on a weak smile but immediately dropped it when he saw Steve’s sober expression, »Where’s this coming from, Stevie? «. _Stevie,_ he liked it when Bucky used that name. It sounded intimate, endearing and now that his ma was gone, Bucky was the only one left to ever call him that.

Again, Steve didn’t respond but rather rose to his feet, the blanket hanging loosely from his shoulders, exposing the white undershirt and boxers he was wearing underneath. Bucky’s eyes roamed over his body before settling on his face and maybe Steve imagined it but they did seem slightly darker than usual, however, the tension that was suddenly filling the air, was real. When Bucky spoke, his voice seemed strangled, the words forced as if his mouth didn’t want to cooperate with his brain, »You should put something on or you’ll get sick. «

Steve moved forward, step by step, closer to Bucky whose face was unreadable but Steve didn’t stop. He was tired of waiting. They stood merely a few inches apart and Steve was oddly calm whereas Bucky seemed to be on the edge of a panic attack, his eyes wide, taking shaky, shallow breaths, »Wh – What are you doing? «.

Steve looked up at his friend and closed the distance, their chests touching ever so slightly, »Tell me you don’t want this, «, _please don’t, please don’t, please don’t_ , »Tell me to stop and I will. «

»Steve - «, but Bucky did not tell him to stop. He did not shove him away. He did not start shouting. What he did do, was raise a shaking hand, laying on Steve’s cheeks and the gentleness of the touch was almost enough to make Steve cry. It was too much and not enough. Steve wasn’t sure who had moved first or maybe they had both leaned in at the same time but then their lips brushed and it wasn’t really a kiss, more like the ghost of a kiss but it told Steve everything he needed to know.

»Why? «, Bucky asked, _why me,_ it was clear in his eyes, the panic simmering down to fear but Steve could still see it.

»Because - «, _I promised ma. Because it’s you, it’s always been you,_ »Because. «, he knew it didn’t make any sense but then again, none of this did.

Slowly, almost shy, Bucky moved his hands and closed his arms around Steve’s frail body and pressed a kiss onto his forehead, the way Sarah had always done, »I promised your ma I’d take care of you. «, he muttered.

»Then take care of me, Bucky…I just – please - «, he wasn’t sure what he was asking for but Bucky seemed to know because his grip tightened and he pressed Steve impossibly closer and Steve melted into the touch, breathing in Bucky’s scent, a mixture of cigarettes and soap and something earthy that soothed his senses.

They went to bed together, never taking their hands off each other for long, and when they finally lay under the covers, Steve’s head on Bucky’s chest, Steve fell asleep with a smile on his face. It was the first night since his mum’s death that he slept peacefully. 

* * *

 

It was a lazy Sunday morning and for once, Bucky didn’t have to go to work. He still woke up early out of habit and when he did, his heart stopped for a second, _Steve!_ Steve was still there, draped over him like a blanket, wheezing breaths and irregular heartbeats and Bucky began to wonder if last night had been a dream except…for all the dreams he had had about Steve, none of them had been quite like that and none of them had felt quite so…real.

As if Steve had felt Bucky waking up, he stirred too, blinking lazily before slurring, »Buck? Why’re you awake? «

Bucky kept staring at his friends face for a minute or two, »Is this a dream? It feels like a dream. «

»I hope not cause that would suck. «

»Yeah…yeah it really would. «, Bucky was staring at Steve. He would never get enough of staring at Steve. Steve with his pale skin that showed every blush, with his soft, full lips and his crazy blue eyes.

»Buck? «, the blonde asked, raising his head a bit.

»Yes Steve? «

»Can I kiss you again? For real this time? «, and oh, this was going to be a thing now, wasn’t it? He didn’t know what to say, was afraid that if he tried, his voice would betray the storm of emotions that was currently raging inside of him so he simply nodded, closing his eyes when Steve pressed their lips together and – and the noise in his head went quiet.


	6. Right Before My Eyes I Saw The Whole World Lose Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excerpts from Roosevelts Inaugural Adress in 1937 (http://historymatters.gmu.edu/d/5105/)  
> Live radio show reporting the crash of the LZ 129 Hindenburg (Audio from Wikipedia)  
> Excerpts from Roosevelts "Quarantine" Speech in 1937 (http://www.vlib.us/amdocs/texts/fdrquarn.html)  
> Excerpts from Roosevelts Inaugural Adress in 1941 (http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=16022)

November, 1936

 

_Yesterday Germany and Japan formed an official alliance against the Third Communist International (Comintern) with the signing of the Anti – Comintern Pact in Berlin. This alliance only emphasizes the aggressive foreign policies of both countries, sending them even more into isolation. However, popular voices claim that this is just another step in Hitler’s long list of schemes to strengthen his grip on the Third Reich…_

 

January, 1937

 

_…_ _But here is the challenge to our democracy: In this nation I see tens of millions of its citizens—a substantial part of its whole population—who at this very moment are denied the greater part of what the very lowest standards of today call the necessities of life._

_I see millions of families trying to live on incomes so meager that the pall of family disaster hangs over them day by day._

_I see millions whose daily lives in city and on farm continue under conditions labeled indecent by a so-called polite society half a century ago._

_I see millions denied education, recreation, and the opportunity to better their lot and the lot of their children._

_I see millions lacking the means to buy the products of farm and factory and by their poverty denying work and productiveness to many other millions._

_I see one-third of a nation ill-housed, ill-clad, ill-nourished…_

 

May, 1937

 

_It’s starting to rain again, it’s…the rain had lacked up a little bit. The back motors of the ship are just holding it…just enough to keep it from…It’s burst into flames! Get this Charlie; get this, Charlie! It’s fire and it’s crashing…it’s crashing terrible! Oh my God! Get out of the way, please! It’s burning and bursting into flames and the…and it’s falling on the mooring mast. And all the folks agree that this is terrible; this is the worst of the worst catastrophes in the world! …_

October, 1937

 

… _The political situation in the world, which of late has been growing progressively worse, is such as to cause grave concern and anxiety to all the peoples and nations who wish to live in peace and amity with their neighbours._

_Some fifteen years ago the hopes of mankind for a continuing era of international peace were raised to great heights when more than sixty nations solemnly pledged themselves not to resort to arms in furtherance of their national aims and policies… The present reign of terror and international lawlessness began a few years ago._  
_… unjustified interference in the internal affairs of other nations or the invasion of alien territory in violation of treaties…the very foundations of civilization are seriously threatened…_

_Without a declaration of war and without warning or justification of any kind, civilians, including vast numbers of women and children, are being ruthlessly murdered with bombs from the air.… Nations claiming freedom for themselves deny it to others.  
Innocent peoples, innocent nations, are being cruelly sacrificed to a greed for power and supremacy which is devoid of all sense of justice and humane considerations…  
The peace-loving nations must make a concerted effort…_  
_Those who cherish their freedom and recognize and respect the equal right of their neighbors to be free and live in peace, must work together … There must be a return to a belief in the pledged word, in the value of a signed treaty. There must be recognition of the fact that national morality is as vital as private morality._  
_There is a solidarity and interdependence about the modern world… impossible for any nation completely to isolate itself from economic and political upheavals in the rest of the world…There can be no stability or peace either within nations or between nations except under laws and moral standards … a matter of vital interest and concern to the people of the United States that the sanctity of international treaties and the maintenance of international morality be restored._  
_The overwhelming majority of the peoples and nations of the world today want to live in peace…_

_…those nations of the world which seem to be piling armament on armament for purposes of aggression, and those other nations which fear acts of aggression against them and their security, … high proportion of their national income is being spent directly for armaments… We are fortunate… proportion that we in the United States spend is far less- eleven or twelve percent…_  
_…The peace, the freedom and the security of ninety percent of the population of the world is being jeopardized by the remaining ten percent…_

_…The situation is definitely of universal concern… But they also involve problems of world economy, world security and world humanity…_

_…It seems to be unfortunately true that the epidemic of world lawlessness is spreading…  
It is my determination to pursue a policy of peace… It ought to be inconceivable that in this modern era, and in the face of experience, any nation could be so foolish and ruthless as to run the risk of plunging the whole world into war by invading and violating… Yet the peace of the world and the welfare and security of every nation, including our own, is today being threatened by that very thing.  
No nation which refuses to exercise forbearance and to respect the freedom and rights of others can long remain strong and retain the confidence and respect of other nations…_  
_War is a contagion, whether it be declared or undeclared. … We are determined to keep out of war … We are adopting such measures as will minimize our risk of involvement, but we cannot have complete protection in a world of disorder in which confidence and security have broken down…_  
_…the will for peace on the part of peace-loving nations must express itself to the end that nations that may be tempted to violate their agreements and the rights of others will desist from such a course…_  
America hates war. America hopes for peace. Therefore, America actively engages in the search for peace.

November, 1937

 

_…been declared that Italy joined the Anti – Comintern Pact a few days ago…_

March, 1938

 

_…Austria has been annexed by Germany…several political opponents have been arrested…President Miklas resigns…_

 

_…alliance between France and Great Britain against Germany’s aggressive political course…_

May, 1939

 

_…armaments in both Germany and Italy after the renewal of the ‘Pact of Steel’…_

 

August, 1939

 

_…rumours of imminent offensive against Poland by German military…European war inevitable?_

 

_Molotov – Ribbentrop Pact between the Third Reich and the USSR…mutual agreement of non – aggressive actions…_

 

_…British – Polish alliance against potential German attack…_

_…German troops marsh towards Polish borders…_

 

_Roosevelt appeals for German – Polish negotiations to prevent warfare…_

 

_…reports of general mobilization in Poland…_

September, 1939

_…after aggressive actions against the radio station Gleiwitz and the alleged annexation of the town, Germany invades Poland, thus declaring war on the country…_

 

_…both England and France declare war on Germany…_

 

_Soviet troops cross Polish border…_

 

November, 1939

 

_…air raid against Finland by Soviet Union…_

 

April, 1940

 

_…German army marshes into Norwegian and Denmark without declaration of war…_

 

May, 1940

 

_…military offensive of Germany against Netherlands, Belgium and Luxembourg…_

 

June, 1940

 

_…Italy declares war on Great Britain and France…_

 

_France calls for the US Army to enter the war…Roosevelt declines…_

 

September, 1940

 

_US Government introduces military first draft in times of peace…_

 

_…Tripartite Pact between Germany, Italy and Japan…prevent American entry into the war…powerful alliance against Soviet Union…_

 

_…declaration of war on Greece…_

 

December, 1940

 

_…Churchill on visit on the United States to ask for financial help in the war against Germany…_

 

 January, 1941

 

_On each national day of Inauguration since 1789, the people have renewed their sense of dedication to the United States.  
In Washington's day the task of the people was to create and weld together a Nation._

_In Lincoln's day the task of the people was to preserve that Nation from disruption from within._

_In this day the task of the people is to save that Nation and its institutions from disruption from without…_

_Lives of Nations are determined not by the count of years, but by the lifetime of the human spirit. The life of a man is threescore years and ten: a little more, a little less. The life of a Nation is the fullness of the measure of its will to live…_

_These later years have been living years…_

_…The coordinate branches of the Government continue freely to function. The Bill of Rights remains inviolate. The freedom of elections is wholly maintained….  
No, democracy is not dying…_

_We know it cannot die—because it is built on the unhampered initiative of individual men and women joined together in a common enterprise…_

_…democracy alone, of all forms of government, enlists the full force of men's enlightened will._

_…has constructed an unlimited civilization capable of infinite progress in the improvement of human life._

_…if we look below the surface, we sense it still spreading on every continent—for it is the most humane, the most advanced, and in the end the most unconquerable of all forms of human society._

_A Nation, like a person, has a body…_

_A Nation, like a person, has a mind…_

_A Nation, like a person, has something deeper, something more permanent, something larger than the sum of all its parts…_

_… we all understand what it is—the spirit—the faith of America…_

_The hopes of the Republic cannot forever tolerate either undeserved poverty or self-serving wealth._

_We know that we still have far to go…_

_Without the body and the mind, as all men know, the Nation could not live…_

_But if the spirit of America were killed, even though the Nation's body and mind, constricted in an alien world, lived on, the America we know would have perished._

_In the face of great perils never before encountered, our strong purpose is to protect and to perpetuate the integrity of democracy._

_For this we muster the spirit of America, and the faith of America._

_We do not retreat. We are not content to stand still. As Americans, we go forward, in the service of our country, by the will of God_

June, 1941

 

_…Germany invades Soviet Union…Italy and Romania declare war on USSR…_

 

_…Finland and Hungary declare war on Soviet Union…_

 

August, 1941

 

_…Atlantic Charter issued by Roosevelt and Churchill… goals for the world after the war…_

 

December, 1941

 

_Great Britain declares war on Romania, Hungary and Finland_


	7. Tomorrow Comes A Day Too Soon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excerpts from Roosevelts announcement after the attack on Perl Harbor (http://time.com/4593483/pearl-harbor-franklin-roosevelt-infamy-speech-attack/)

The world was spinning out of control, there was just no other way to say it. During the span of the last five years the news that had gotten to them from all over the world only kept getting worse and worse and now…

_Yesterday, December 7th, 1941—a date which will live in infamy—the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.  
The United States was at peace with that nation and, at the solicitation of Japan, was still in conversation with its government and its emperor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific._

Steve had been in his art class when Louise Hall had burst through the door, crying, telling them that there had been an attack. Steve could still feel the way his heart had stopped for the split of a second, the horror he had felt. The world was at war but they hadn’t been a part of it. Not really. Not until now.

__  
The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian islands has caused severe damage to American naval and military forces. I regret to tell you that very many American lives have been lost. In addition, American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu.  
  


He and Bucky sat in their small flat, listening to Roosevelt’s speech on the radio. There were no words to describe what he was feeling. What they were both feeling. It was fear and denial and confusion and anger. So much anger.

_As Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense. But always will our whole nation remember the character of the onslaught against us._  
  


The President hadn’t said it yet but everyone knew what would come. What had to come. It was inevitable. Necessary.

_I believe that I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost, but will make it very certain that this form of treachery shall never again endanger us._  
Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory, and our interests are in grave danger.  
With confidence in our armed forces, with the unbounding determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph—so help us God.  
I ask that the Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Japan on Sunday, December 7th, 1941, a state of war has existed between the United States and the Japanese empire.

 

Bucky had his arms wrapped around Steve, letting the words sink in.

 

_I ask that the Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Japan on Sunday, December 7th, 1941, a state of war has existed between the United States and the Japanese empire._

* * *

 

It was something they had been waiting for, dreading the day when these exact words would be broadcasted all over the radio…and here they were. Bucky also knew what that would mean; what it would mean for him. And for Steve. There was no way they would take Steve into the army, not with his bucket list of health issues and his body. Bucky on the other end, Bucky was probably the wet dream of every medical examiner. He was tall and strong from the boxing and the job at the docks and he almost never got sick which meant that he would have to go whether he wanted to or not. _And god, I don’t want to._

Five years. They’d had five years together and it was so much more than anything Bucky had ever dreamed off. He still had his job, Steve still sold drawings except now he gave his own art classes and they could actually afford his medicine and the occasional fancy meal. They still lived in the same flat and that was okay because it was truly _theirs_ and Steve still got into way too many fights and Bucky got him out of them and took care of the bruises afterwards and…

»Buck? «, Steve’s voice was soft against his ear, »Are you okay? «

»Yeah I – I think so. Are you? «

»No «

Bucky immediately pulled back enough to get a good look at Steve’s face, »What’s wrong, baby? «, he asked, still basking in the way Steve blushed at the endearment.

»I wanna go, Buck. I have to. There’s gonna be a war and I can’t just sit here and do nothing. «, _the hell you can…_ »Steve – Stevie – I know but…you gotta think about this. This ain’t a fight in some back alley. People are gonna die - «

»People are already dying, Buck, «, Steve argued, »They die every day and I – what kind of person would I be if I accepted that without trying to change it? «

»But you can’t change it, Steve. This is so much bigger than you and - «, but again Steve interrupted him, »And I still have to do something. Buck, my dad died in the trenches…what kind of coward – what kind of son would I be if I just forgot about that? «, he asked, »You can’t stop me, y’know. «

Bucky smiled sadly, »I know, «, he pressed a gentle kiss on his boyfriend’s forehead, »Dear god, I love you so much, Stevie…«, it was all he could say, all he could think of. _Fuck the world,_ he thought, _as long as Steve’s safe I don’t even care._

»I love you too, Buck. But I - «

»- have to do this, I know. «

And he did. He just held onto his hope that they would never actually take him. 

* * *

 

It actually took a few days until the news had sunken in, about two weeks until Steve could finally convince Bucky to enlist with him and exactly 15 minutes for Steve to realise that it might not be that easy for him to join the army.

»I’m doing you a favour here, kid. «, the doctor had said after giving him the enlistment form with a thick black stamp saying ‘4F’ and _goddammit, this is bullshit!_ It wasn’t fair and Steve had never hated his body as much as he hated it right now while he left the office and saw that Bucky was already waiting for him. It was impossible to say what the brunette was thinking, which was odd because usually Bucky’s face was like an open book to Steve.

»What’d they say? «, Bucky asked, probably already knowing the answer. Steve just held out the sheet of paper, »Oh, «, Bucky let out a soft breath, »Sorry, pal. «, he patted Steve on the shoulder, just like the doctor had had after telling him that they couldn’t take him and Steve frowned. There was something about Bucky that didn’t quite add up. Something in the way he looked at Steve as if he was…what? Relieved?

»I’ll try again next week. «, Steve announced.

»Steve - «

»No, Bucky. I need to do this, okay? «

Bucky sighed and nodded, »Alright. C’mon let’s go home. «

»What’d they say to you? «, Steve asked after some time while they walked through the surprisingly empty streets of the city, breathing in the cold air, leaving traces in the snow.

»Training begins in January. «, Bucky grumbles, his eyes fixed on the ground.

»Okay. «

They fell back into silence, the war looming over them like a Sword of Damocles, threating to crash down on them at any moment and all Steve wanted was to reach up and take it away but he was too small and the Sword hung too high and Steve wished he had a shield so he could protect them both from harm.

_January,_ he thought, _a few weeks_. It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t nearly enough. _  
_

* * *

 

_Is a lie by omission still a lie?_ If you had asked Bucky two months ago, he would have said yes. Now he wasn’t so sure anymore. _What one doesn’t know can’t hurt them_.

He hadn’t lied. _I haven’t_. Not really. He had just neglected to mention that he hadn’t enlisted voluntarily but rather been drafted. The letter had arrived two days after the attack and Bucky…well…he had just sort of pretended like it didn’t exist. Unsuccessfully. Now he had only few weeks left to mentally prepare himself for basic training. A few weeks to say goodbye to Steve. It wasn’t permanent, only a few months but still…They had never been separated from each other for longer than a couple of days. That would have been enough to make him feel real bad about himself, the fact that he was secretly glad that Steve had been rejected wasn’t helping. _Better me than him,_ he thought grimly. _As long as he stays safe, I don’t care what happens to me._

* * *

 

It was the last night before Bucky would go to Camp McCoy. Steve had never looked less forward to a night than this one. They sat at the table in their little flat, eating real meat for once and drinking whisky, trying not to think of the next day.

»Hey, Stevie. «, Bucky spoke up after they had finished their dinner, »Go out with me tonight? «

Steve frowned, why would Bucky want to go out o their last night together, »With whom? «

»No one, just us. «, the brunette’s voice was soft, Bucky’s hand lying gently on Steve’s.

»Do we have to? I’d rather stay  - «

»Hear me out, «, Bucky interrupted him, swallowing audibly, »There’s this bar, just a few blocks away. All sorts of folks go there…y’know…queer folks. «, he wasn’t quite meeting Steve’s eyes, but rather looking at something behind Steve.

»Buck - «, Steve breathed out.

»I just…I know it’s risky but…just for one night I wanna not hide away. Just for one night I wanna not be afraid. I just wanna treat my best guy to something special, ‘kay? We could dance together and nobody would care. «

It sounded like a dream. It also sounded like an incredible stupid idea, which was unlike Bucky because usually Steve was the one with the stupid ideas. It sounded like something they should definitely not do. »I’d love to. «, Steve answered and pulled Bucky into a deep kiss.

So they went. The streets were filled with voices and laugher, people standing outside bars, drinking. The place Bucky wanted to go to was in a seedy side alley and the closer they got, the more nervous Steve felt. He knew if he said now he wanted to go back, Bucky would but he also knew that this was their last night together for some time and…well…he had never been good at saying no to Bucky.

»This is…«, _madness, incredible, suicidal, brilliant?_ There was no word for what Steve saw inside the bar. Bucky had been right, there were all sorts of strange people but no one seemed to care. For a few seconds he watched three guys on the dancefloor, openly grinding against each other to the music; two women holding hands at the bar.

»It’s something else. «, Bucky finished his sentence for him and Steve nodded, »Come on, let’s dance. «. Before Steve could protest, Bucky had already taken his hand and dragged him onto the dance floor like it was the most normal thing in the world and Steve had to admit: in the midst of all this, it probably was. No one payed any attention to the two young men and Steve could feel himself getting drunk on the feeling. Pure bliss, that’s what it was and Steve never wanted to feel anything else again. It didn’t even seem to matter that he had no idea how to dance; Bucky obviously didn’t care, _so why should I_?

They moved to the music, not once letting go of each other and although Steve had seen Bucky dance many, many times before, it had never been quite like this. His movements were a force of nature, mesmerizing and dangerously beautiful and he just couldn’t take his eyes of the brunette. Steve dimly realized that he wasn’t the only one staring, a few others had stopped to watch but none of that mattered because Bucky had only eyes for Steve. The way, Bucky had his arms wrapped around the blonde’s slim body like he would never let him go again, and the way Bucky, for some reason, tasted like caramel. Steve was standing on his toes to push back into the kiss, his hands grabbing Bucky’s ass, drawing delicious sounds out of the brunette, »I love you, Stevie. I love you so much. «, Bucky muttered into the space between their lips and Steve grinned, »I love you too, Buck. « 

* * *

 

It was early and Bucky had barely slept. Neither of them had. His bag was packed and he was drinking one last coffee before he would have to go to the train station.

»It’ll be fine. «, he said, not sure if he was actually talking to Steve who was sitting on his lap, or himself.

»I know. «, Steve answered, »’m gonna miss you, though. «

»Me too, punk. «, he sat down the mug and ran his hand through Steve’s golden hair, »You just promise me not to get into too much trouble, alright? «

»I would never, «, Steve gasped in fake exasperation and clasped his heart while Bucky just shook his head, _little shit,_ he thought, fighting his smile. »You are the worst, Steve. «

»Mhh, «, Steve hummed against his lips, »But you love me anyway. «, and there it was, that smug Steve Rogers smirk that he had perfected during the past years.

»Yes I do. «, Bucky replied quietly, pulling his boyfriend in for another kiss. They had agreed that Steve wouldn’t see him to the station out of fear that they might do something stupid or that someone would read too much into it. Bucky hated it. »Alright. I have to go, Stevie. «, he stood up and laid his hands on Steve’s shoulders, »I mean it, punk, you make sure you’re still in one piece when I get back or I swear to god, Imma kick your ass. «

»Alright, jerk. «, Steve replied affectionately. »Promise you’ll be careful too. «

»I promise. «

They shared one last, lingering kiss before Bucky picked up his bag and left the flat. He already missed Steve. 

* * *

 

Live without Bucky was…boring at best. On the worst days it was an absolute nightmare. Steve went to art school for his classes, he sat on the street to sell his drawings, he went to the store to buy food, he fell asleep late at night, trying not to think about the empty space next to him. It wasn’t like he didn’t have any friends besides Bucky. He had. There was Theresa Williams, another teacher at the art school and her husband Thomas. Or Frederik Jules, an old friend of his mum. Henry Wheeler and Paul McGammon, two boys from his old school and old friends of Bucky. He had friends but…none of them were _him_. The fact that they, too, all seemed to be adamant on setting him up with girls didn’t help.

»Come on, it’ll be nice. She’s a real doll, Hannah is. «, Henry told him over a cup of coffee and Steve supressed a groan.

»Fine, I’ll meet her. But I doubt she’ll be interested once she’s seen me. «. he grumbled.

»You’re lucky James’ ain’t here, I know for a fact that he’d smack you for talking like that. «

_Oh, I know,_ Steve thought.

As expected, the date with Hannah didn’t go well. She was polite about it but still made it very clear that he wasn’t what she was looking for and it wasn’t like Steve was actually available anyway, except he couldn’t say that so he did his best to act disappointed.

The weeks went by and it gradually became warmer until March arrived and Steve was outright miserable. He had tried to enlist again. He had failed again. It was risky, forging birth certificates, but he at least had to try. 

* * *

 

_Hey Bucky,_

_Happy birthday, pal!_

_I hope you’re alright up there and that the others don’t give you a hard time. I’m bored out of my mind without you and I mostly have no idea what to do with myself._

_Are there any news? Not really. Henry and Paul are being a pain in the ass, always trying to set me up with some dame, oh and Mrs. Kieton from downstairs has a cat now, his name’s Charlie and he keeps breaking into our flat to steal food. I quite like him, he reminds me of you._

_Write me some time if you can and take care of yourself._

_Love_

_Steve_

Bucky read Steve’s letter with a dopey smile on his face which he quickly tried to wipe off just in case someone might see. It had been a bit over two months now and Bucky was already looking forward to coming back to Brooklyn. It wasn’t all bad, per se, some of the guys were actually quite nice and Bucky had been right when he thought that he would be good. He was. The physical training was hard, sure, but Bucky would lie if he said he didn’t at least enjoy it a little bit. Hand to hand combat was easy with his foreknowledge of boxing…and then there was the shooting. Bucky had never held a gun in his hand before and when they had first entered the shooting range he had been nervous to no end.

»Move you’re ass, Barnes. These guns ain’t gonna shoot themselves, « Colonel Porter, the supervisor, had yelled and Bucky had stumbled forward. They had pressed a rifle into his hands and told him to go for it, no doubt, expecting him to fail horribly but the thing was…he hadn’t. By the time the magazine was empty, Bucky had realised that everyone else had stopped shooting in favour of staring at him and only then, had he realised that none of his shots had failed. »Well, looks like we’ve got ourselves a marksman. «, Porter had grumbled and patted him on the back which was about the biggest praise anyone could hope for.

 

_Hey Stevie,_

_thanks for the chocolate, just please tell me you didn’t spent all your money on that because I’d have to kick your ass if did._

_It’s alright over here, people are nice enough and I’m actually enjoying the training. At least some of it. Sorry for Henry and Paul but you know how they are, just tell them to leave you alone if it’s bothering you too much._

_I miss you, punk_

_Bucky_


	8. Looking Towards The Future, We’re Begging For The Past

Buck stared at the dog tags in his hand.

 

_James B Barnes_

_32557038 T41 B_

_P_

 

_Sergeant Barnes_ , he thought. It sounded strong. Powerful. Fancy. It sounded like so much more than he felt he deserved. Steve, though, seemed proud and no matter how much Bucky detested the war and no matter how scared he was…in the end it was all worth it if he got to see Steve smile at him like that. Like he was already a hero. _I’m really not._ He was glad to be back home, even if it wasn’t going to be for long. Six months. He had been at the training camp for six months and he had absolutely no idea how he would survive probable years without his Stevie. _But as long as I keep him safe, it doesn’t really matter._ Steve would be fine. It’s what he did. Knocked down on his ass and then fought his way right back up again. Speaking of which –

»What’s it to you, midget? «, the asshole of the week currently snarled at Steve after Steve had called him out on insulting a girl. _Oh, here we go…_ Bucky knew that look. The look Steve would get every time before a fight; fierce, determined and so, so righteous. It was impressive and scary at the same time and as much as Bucky would have loved to just grab Steve’s wrist and drag him along, he knew there was no point. Steve had made his mind up and all Bucky could do now was damage control. Make sure that his best guy came out of it alive. He didn’t actually pay attention to the few words exchanged but as soon as the first punch was thrown, Bucky was on high alert, mentally analysing the situation, the guy seemed younger than them, maybe about 18. His shoulders were broad but he wasn’t as muscly as he could have been and he was slow. Really slow. After the few weeks of boxing lessons Bucky had given Steve, he thought that Steve wasn’t even half bad anymore. Sure, he was still too small and too skinny and his punches had no real power behind them but he was relatively fast and his techniques were…well…he had them at least. The asshole did not. It wasn’t often that Steve actually won a fight but when he did he was insufferable, caring even less about his own injuries than usually.

»Steve, I swear if you don’t let me patch you up I’m gonna sock ya as well. «, he grumbled while he made sure that his limping friend got home. He didn’t mean it of course and Steve knew that. He would never do anything to hurt Steve.

»Bucky, I’m fine. It’s just a few bruises. «, Steve shrugged him off and Bucky scoffed, »Yeah, a few bruises and a bleeding nose, oh and let’s not ignore the fact that you can’t even walk properly and have you heard yourself breathing lately? Jesus, punk, you’re gonna kill yourself at this rate. «

»Shut up, jerk. «

»Language. « but he just couldn’t help the smile on his face no matter how hard he tried. Steve was so goddam proud of himself and it was contagious and all Bucky wanted to do right now was sweep the smaller man off the floor and kiss him hard. But of course, he couldn’t.

Cleaning up Steve’s injuries after a fight was second nature to Bucky. The movements familiar and kind of soothing despite the devastating image before his eyes. He would never get used to seeing Steve like this. Banged up and bloody. Would never get used to the silent winces and the stubborn bravery and the way Steve pressed his lips together so no sound would escape them, betraying the pain he was really in.

»There we go, «, Bucky whispered after a few minutes, looking Steve over one last time, checking if he hadn’t missed anything. »As good as new. «, he forced a smile on his face and quickly pecked Steve on the cheek. They were in the bathroom, shared by the whole floor and they couldn’t risk being walked into but…well…it was also impossible not to kiss Steve.

»Thanks, Buck, «, Steve muttered.

»You can repay me by making dinner. «

»I do that anyway, «, Steve said and stood up, »You’re just gonna set the house on fire again. «

»That was _one_ time! «, Bucky called out, even though he was glad he didn’t have to cook.

»And I ain’t taking that risk again. «

And there was that. Things were normal again. Or at least as normal as they would ever be. 

* * *

 

Steve knew it was reckless but he went to another enlistment office, naturally, he was rejected again. That in itself was bad enough but then Bucky found his enlistment form and he positively lost it.

»Are you fucking kidding me right now, Steve? What the hell were you thinking? Forging birth certificates – you can get arrested for shit like that, and then what? What do you think they’ll do in prison to someone like you? And I won’t be there to save your sorry ass and – and - «, the brunette erupted into another fit of colourful curses, all the while pacing up and down the room in front of Steve. Suddenly, he stopped, approaching the blonde and crouching down on the floor right in front of him, »Why are you so desperate to fight in this war, Steve? «, he asked, voice low and eyes wide.

»I just wanna help. «, Steve answered truthfully.

»You _are_ helping. You’re staying alive, that is more then enough. There is so much you can do…you don’t need to lay down your life. «

»My dad - «

»Fuck your dad. «, Bucky snapped and Steve winced at the harsh tone, »He’s not here, he never has been. You don’t owe him anything. But you know what your ma would say if she was here right now? She’d tell to stop being daft and get your stubborn head out of your ass. She’d tell you to stay alive. «, Steve knew that Bucky had a point but…it was so not fair to bring his mum into this and Bucky seemed to realise that as well because he was growing paler by the second, eyes cast down on the floor, »I’m sorry, Steve. I shouldn’t have said that, I…I didn’t mean it. «

»Yes, you did, «, he knew Bucky good enough to know that much and he wasn’t angry. Not really, »And it’s alright, I just…Bucky, I have to do more than this, okay? I know we’ve been over this and I know you just want to protect me but…what about me? What about what I want? Bucky, I _want_ to be useful. I _want_ to be there with you. «

»I know, baby. I know…«, Bucky whispered and gently kissed Steve’s knuckles, still carrying the tell – tale signs off Steve’s last fight. Steve leaned down until his forehead rested against Bucky’s, eyes closed, »I wish you didn’t have to go. «, Steve muttered, »I wish things could just go back to the way they were. «

»Yeah…«, Bucky breathed, »Me too. « 

* * *

 

They were back to their usual routine. Steve at the art school and Bucky at the docks although, technically, he didn’t have to anymore but he went anyway. He liked the work. Liked the simplicity of it. The familiarity.  Joe was still there and they quickly fell back into their daily cigarette breaks.

»It’s all bullshit if you ask me, «, Joe said one day after they had finished their shifts, »That war in Europe got nothin’ to do with us and it ain’t right to send young upstanding fellas like yourself over there to die in the mud. «, Bucky could understand where Joe’s words were coming from. Seeing as Joe had served during the first Great War together with his brother who had never made it back home. »Why’d you sign up for it anyway? «

»I – er - «, Bucky swallowed. He hadn’t told anyone that he’d been drafted. He didn’t even know why, except that he didn’t want Steve to find out but…it wasn’t like Joe would tell Steve, was it? »I didn’t, actually. «

»Oh. «, a look of understanding passed over the older man’s face, »Sorry, pal. «

»’s alright. As long as Steve stays save, I don’t mind. «, Bucky replied and dropped his cigarette.

»Right. How’s that fella of yours doin’ anyway? Haven’t seen him in ages. Dora misses him. «, he chuckled lightly and Bucky smiled to himself, »He’s alright. Giving classes at art school. «

»He got a girl? «

»Nah. «, _he’s got me…_

»You got one? «, Joe asked further and Bucky tenses slightly. He didn’t like the direction this conversation was going, driving him on edge. He hadn’t been out with a girl since he had come back from Camp, spending as much time with Steve as possible.

»What’s the point if I’m just gonna die in the trenches? «, Bucky answered evasively.

»Now don’t you talk like that, Barnes, this war’s already seen too many young men fall. «, Joe was right of course. Bucky opened his mouth to comeback with something when he heard a muffled scream from one of the many side alleys and his blood ran cold. They weren’t too far from his and Steve’s flat and it was absolutely possible for Steve to be in another fight. He supressed a sigh and quickly turned to where the sound had come from, already steeling himself to save Steve’s skin except – except it wasn’t Steve. The boy on the ground was much taller, his clothes torn and bloody, hair that was once blonde, now dark from the dirt.

»Jared? «, Bucky asked in disbelief and the two guys hovering over Jared swivelled around, »You know this fairy? Huh? He your friend? Your faggot buddy? «, one of them snarled and Bucky knew he should say something, defend himself, defend Jared but he couldn’t. He was frozen to where he stood, dimly aware that Joe was only a few steps behind him. »Answer me! «

»James - «, Jared’s voice was rough and weak, »Don’. «

»Shut your dirty mouth, you dirty faggot! «, the second guy barked and gave Jared another kick to the side while the first one strode towards Bucky who finally snapped out of it and straightened himself, »Don’t matter if he’s my friend, you don’t go around beating people to death. «, he snarled and oh god, how was Steve doing this on a regular basis? Standing up anyone and everyone…Bucky just wanted to leave. This wasn’t his fight and it wasn’t Steve so…he reacted before he had actually registered the movement, dodging the guy’s fist and ramming his own into his stomach, »Walk away, «, Bucky demanded, his body purposefully relaxed. The two guys laughed, »You want the queer boy? Come and get him, then! «, after that everything was a blur of pained groans and insults. Bucky distantly noticed that Joe gave out a few hits as well before one of the guys lay on the floor, unconscious and the other one ran away, his eyes wide with fear. Bucky didn’t hesitate before he fell on his knees next to Jared who looked even worse from up close. One of his eyes was swollen shut, there was a deep cut on his forehead and he was coughing up blood.

»J – James - «, he croaked.

»Shut up, Jared, we gotta get you to a hospital. «, carefully, Bucky tried to move the older man but stopped immediately when Jared cried out in pain at the touch, »Joe, give me hand here. «

»I don’t know, James. This don’t look good. «

_Yeah, no shit,_ Bucky thought, »Well, what are you saying? «

»I’m saying, I better call an ambulance. «

»Then do it! «, Bucky called out but Joe was already on his way to the next phone and Bucky turned back to Jared, »Come on, man, you gotta hold on. «

»James – I’m sorry. «, Jared whispered, thick red blood bubbling up in his mouth and Bucky saw the cracked and missing teeth, »I se’ you up. They paid me for ge’in you inno id an’ I…I - «

»Shh, don’t talk. «, Bucky muttered, »You might be a complete jerk but I ain’t letting you die in a fucking side alley, okay? «

Slowly, Jared nodded, coughing up more blood and Bucky could tell that if the ambulance didn’t arrive soon, they could send the undertaker right with them.

»I’m sorry. «, Jared whispered again, his eyes falling shut.

»Hush…I - «, Bucky bit down on his lower lip, struggling with the right words, »I forgive you. « it had just been intended to make Jared feel better but – _but_ – Bucky realised it was true. He _did_ forgive Jared. Had done so quite some time ago. It felt kind of good to actually say it. »I forgive you. «

Bucky sat by Jared’s side, waiting and by the time the paramedics had arrived, Jared was dead. 

* * *

 

Steve was just making dinner when he heard Bucky’s keys in the door.

_Finally,_ he thought. It was late. Much later then usual and he had begun to seriously worry about his boyfriend, »Bucky where the hell have you - «, Steve stopped mid – sentence and nearly dropped the spoon he’d been holding. Bucky looked… »What happened? «

»It’s not my blood. «, Bucky answered quickly and gestured for Steve to stay back, »I’m gonna take a shower. «. Steve nodded numbly, his mouth still hanging open, eyes wide as he watched Bucky get fresh clothes from the drawer and make his way towards the shower. _Is this how Bucky feels every time I get into a fight?_ He mused, _no wonder he keeps freaking out._

The food was slightly burned by the time Bucky got back, now wearing a fresh shirt and a pair of boxers, his hair still wet. There were no injuries as far as Steve could see, except for Bucky’s knuckles but…he was far from alright. There was a distant look in the brunette’s eyes and his hands were shaking, »Buck - «, Steve whispered and slowly raised his hand to touch him, giving Bucky enough time to back away. He didn’t, »Talk to me, Bucky. «

»Jared. «, was the only answer Bucky gave and Steve frowned. _Jared? Who the hell is – oh._

»Jared as in, Hooverville Jared? As in - «

»Yeah. «

»What did he do? «, Steve asked feeling his blood already boiling.

»He died. «, Bucky’s voice was hollow, lacking any kinds of emotions. »A couple of guys beat him up in a side alley…I think they found out he was queer and…well…«

»Jesus, Buck…«, Steve whispered, not quite sure how to react to that. Sure, he had hated Jared’s guts just because he had hurt Bucky but… _no one deserves something like that,_ he thought desperately.

»I was with him when he died, Stevie. «, Bucky continued, »He told me he was sorry. «

In lack of any better words, Steve simply wrapped his arms around Bucky and held him tight, peppering soft kisses along Bucky’s jawline and running his hand through the brunette’s hair. 

* * *

 

Time was running out. Bucky knew it wouldn’t be long until he would receive the letter with his orders and the more he thought about it, the more desperate he became to make every second count that he had left. All the things he had always wanted to do but had never gotten around to…he did them now. Taking Steve to the art museum, the opera, the beach. All of it. He bought pencils and sketchbooks for his boyfriend. New sweaters for the upcoming winter. New shoes so his feet wouldn’t hurt as much when he was walking. He had heard stories about people close to death, making up for all the thigs they hadn’t done and in a way, that was exactly what Bucky was doing because…because – _don’t even go there, Barnes._ He tried to tell himself but it was no use, _It’s not like you’ll actually survive this war._ And it wasn’t like he wanted to do die. He didn’t. He wasn’t scared of it but it wasn’t exactly something he wanted to experience at the age of 25, he just… _knew_. They didn’t talk about it, he and Steve. It was like they were both in denial about the fact that any day now, Bucky could be called to the frontlines. Any day now, could be their last day. Maybe forever. It was slowly driving him insane.

Bucky sat on the steps of the fire escape, smoking a cigarette, staring up the night sky, counting the stars when he heard Steve come in.

»Buck? «, Steve called into the dark flat.

»Out here, «, Bucky answered without turning around. He heard steps coming closer, the window sliding up further and then Steve was sitting next to him, a blanket in his hands. Bucky hadn’t even noticed how cold it was. Steve wrapped them both into the blanket, sides pressed against each other, Steve’s head leaning against Bucky’s shoulder. They didn’t speak. There was nothing to say that could make them feel better. It was all too real and not real enough, like the state between dreaming and awakening when you’re aware that you’re asleep and everything feels intensified. Bucky knew he would wake up soon and there was nothing he could do. 

* * *

 

Steve found himself once again in an enlistment office, reading a new paper, staring at the names of the fallen.

 

_Anders, Jack_

_Anders, Michael_

_Collins, Frederik_

_Dickinson, Jonathan_

_Donalds, Niklaus_

_Drake, Harry_

_Gabriels, Anthony_

_Kelvin, Jonathan_

_Kevins, Christian_

_Kipling, Thomas_

_Langley, George_

_Lawrence, Julian_

_Lee, John_

_Lewis, Zachariah_

_Olivers, Samuel_

_Radcliffe, Aiden_

_Reed, Timothy_

_Reynolds, Tony_

_Sandford, Gerard_

_Victor –_

 

»Rogers, Steven. «, at the sound of his name, Steve put the paper away, trying to get the names out of his head. He couldn’t. He wasn’t even surprised anymore when the doctor told him that they couldn’t take him but still…it hurt.

Steve was almost grateful when he found the guy in the movies who wouldn’t shut up, welcoming the surge of adrenaline. The anger. The pain.

»You just don’t know when to give up, do you? «, the guy asked while Steve got up from the dirty floor once again.

»I can do this all day. «, that wasn’t true of course but at some point, Steve had stopped caring. He had no idea what he was doing with his life, where he was going. He was floating without direction and soon he would also loose he only thing that kept him from drowning.

»Sometimes I think you like getting punched, «, Bucky joked after sending the guy away with a literal kick in the ass.

»I had him on the ropes, « Steve muttered and accepted Bucky’s hand to get back on his feet. Bucky was wearing his uniform, a sheet of paper in his hand and a sad look in his eyes, chiding him about his latest attempt to enlist which Steve ignored. They’d been over this enough times already.

»You get your orders? «

Bucky’s eyes were cast to the floor but Steve could still see the flash of fear before the brunette raised his chin cockily and announced, »The one – o – seven. Sergeant James Barnes. Shipping out for England first thing tomorrow. «, he sounded proud but underneath the bravado, Steve knew, he was terrified. Bucky didn’t want to go. Not like Steve did.

He was a bit disappointed that Bucky would want to go out on their last night together but he didn’t say anything. This was Bucky’s farewell and Steve would be there with him.

»Ladies and gentlemen, what if I told you that in just a few short years, your automobile won't even have to touch the ground at all. «, they watched as Howard Stark strode onto the stage and a group of women took off the wheels of the car behind him. It could have been fascinating. No, no, it should have been but…

_The one – o – seven. Sergeant James Barnes. Shipping out for England first thing tomorrow._

This time tomorrow Bucky would be gone.

This time next week, Bucky would be in the middle of a war so much bigger than him.

This time next year, Bucky might be dead.

Steve couldn’t take it anymore. Standing in the middle of all these people, gaping at a flying car, pretending like there weren’t hundreds and thousands of men oversea lying down their lives…it was unbearable.

_Shipping out for England first thing tomorrow._

Steve felt bad, leaving Bucky alone with those girls but…this was supposed to be their night. Their goodbye.

_There’s no way in hell I’m letting him go alone,_ Steve thought, his eyes fixed on an advertisement of another enlistment office.

 »You're really gonna do this again? «, Bucky asked. He sounded tired, making Steve feel even worse than he already did.

»Well, it's a fair. I'm gonna try my luck. «, _I’m gonna do whatever it takes._

»As who? Steve from Ohio? They'll catch you. Or worse, they'll actually take you. «, and that was just it wasn’t it? While Steve did everything in his power to get into the army, Bucky tried everything to keep him out of it.

»Look, I know you don't think I can do this - «

»This isn't a back alley, Steve. It's war! «

The same argument over and over again. Steve had the feeling like he was running in circles, always ending up exactly where he started off and he could feel himself growing weary while Bucky was getting desperate, both of them repeating words they had already said a hundred times.

»Bucky, come on! There are men laying down their lives. I got no right to do any less than them. That's what you don't understand. This isn't about me. « - _Liar._

»Right. Cause you got nothing to prove. «

Yeah, because this wasn’t about the war. Not really. Steve knew it and Bucky knew it too. This was about Steve. About Steve and the way he always felt weak. Always felt useless. This was about the way everyone seemed to agree with him. Everyone except Bucky.

»Hey, Sarge! Are we going dancing? «, Connie or maybe Bonnie called over to them, impatiently, her eyes dark with desire while she looked at Bucky and Steve felt himself growing angry again. He hated her. Hated all the girls that were lusting after Bucky just because he looked good. Because while Bucky seemed to be the only one who really saw Steve, Steve was also the only one to look behind the façade of the charming, confident, handsome man. They saw each other in a way no one else did.

»Don't do anything stupid until I get back. «, Bucky told him and Steve was torn out of his thoughts.

»How can I? You're taking all the stupid with you. «, he wanted to apologize, wanted to run up to Bucky and kiss him. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t and he hated it.

»You're a punk. «, _I love you_. Steve melted into the embrace, wishing for time to stop so he could forever stay in Bucky’s arms.

» Jerk. «, _I love you too,_ »Be careful. «, he watched Bucky walk away, trying hard not break down crying, »Don't win the war till I get there! «

Bucky gave him one last salute and then turned around and led the girls away.

* * *

 

Bucky scowled at himself. It had all been planned out.

_Take Steve to the Stark – Expo, then dancing, then go home and have one last night together._

But of course they would start fighting tonight of all nights.

Bucky stared at the beer in his hand, it tasted stale. He looked up, Bonnie and Connie were dancing together. They were at the queer bar Bucky had taken Steve before leaving for his training, _maybe I should have mentioned that to Steve,_ he thought bitterly. _Maybe I should have just taken him home right away. Maybe, maybe, maybe…_ Bucky set down the glass of beer a little more forcefully than really necessary and quickly made his way outside to light a cigarette. He was freaking out. In less than ten hours, he would be getting on a ship to England.

»Hey soldier, how about you and I find a place to have some fun? «, a camp, blonde man was standing next to him, batting his eyelashes and Bucky snapped, »Piss off. «, _god, this was a bad idea,_ without looking back, Bucky walked out of the alley onto a busy street, diving through the sea of people. He just wanted to be home. He wanted to bury himself underneath a pile of blankets and ignore the world. He wanted Steve to be there with him. But Steve wasn’t. When Bucky opened the door to the flat, he found it empty and dark and cold. Without turning on the lights, Bucky walked towards the drawers and took out Sarah’s old photo album and a candle. He quickly lightened it and opened the leather bound book, turning the pages in search for one particular – Bucky froze. There it was. The picture of him and Steve and Sarah, arm in arm, smiling. The picture of his family. The first tear dropped down onto the thick paper but Bucky decided that he didn’t care. He had lost the closest thing he had ever had to a mother and now he was losing everything else as well. His brother, his friend, his lover.

»Buck? «

Bucky jumped, nearly knocking over the candle. There, in the doorway, stood Steve, looking even smaller than usual.

»Steve. «

The blonde carefully stepped closer until he was standing right in front of Bucky who was sitting on the mattress, and sank down to his knees. A gentle hand covered his while the other loosened the photo from the page, »Steve, what - «

»I want you to have it. «, Steve whispered, »I also want you to have this, «, seemingly out of nowhere, Steve suddenly produced the pin of his mum. Bucky stared at it, completely lost for words, before turning his gaze up to Steve who was looking at him with wide eyes. Without breaking eye contact, Steve opened the jacket of Bucky’s uniform and attached the pin to the inside at a spot where it would rest over Bucky’s heart, »So you got a reason to come back to me. «, he muttered, blue eyes glistening in the flickering light of the candle.

»I’ll always come back to you, Stevie. I promise. «, they both knew there was no way he could actually keep that promise but neither of them said a word. »Steve…«

»I love you, Bucky. I love you so much and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. « but that wasn’t right. Steve had nothing to be sorry for, he, Bucky, should be apologizing.

»No, no, baby, it’s okay. I shouldn’t have dragged you along like that. I should have told you what I was planning. I just wanna spent tonight with you, ‘kay? «

»God yes, please. «

Bucky pressed their mouths together, tasting the tears Steve’s lips. They were both crying and kissing, clinging to each other like lifelines.

Seven hours until he would have to leave. It was not enough. It was just not enough.

The flame was getting smaller while Steve unbuttoned the rest of Bucky’s uniform, pressing gentle kisses to his neck, his chest, his belly. They murmured promises and comforting words into each other’s skin, hands roaming over each other, strangled moans in the growing darkness and Bucky was still crying silently, the tears streaming down his face and he couldn’t stop them. And he didn’t want to stop them. It was gentle and sensual and intense. It was goodbye. The flame went out and both men came with a desperate cry.

Five hours until Bucky would go to war.


	9. We Carry The Names Of A Thousand And The Dreams Of A Million

_Hey Stevie,_

_I hope you’re keeping out of trouble ‘cause otherwise I’d have to get back there and make you. I miss you already even though it’s only been like a month. Europe is strange. Things are the same as back home but at the same time they’re so different, you wouldn’t believe it._

_It rains a lot and during the nights it gets freezing cold, colder than in our flat. I miss Brooklyn. I miss the city and the dirty streets and the noise of it all. It’s quite here where we are. You can hear the birds in the trees and smell the grass under your feet. You’d probably like it. I can see it now, you sitting in the morning sun, drawing the woods and the flowers. Maybe I’ll take you here once this is all over…I’m sure the air would do wonders for your lungs. It’s so clean. It’s actually hard to believe that we’re in a war zone, everything seems so peaceful._

_The other men are alright. There’s Dum Dum Dugan and Thomas Sennet who are both sitting with me right now actually, telling crude jokes and already complaining about the food. They’re also pestering me about who I’m writing, I ain’t telling them though._

_Have I mentioned I miss you? Cause I do._

_Anyway, I gotta go now, duty calls._

_I love you,_

_Bucky_

* * *

 

_Hey Stevie,_

_How’re you holding up? I suppose it’s still cold in Brooklyn, so make sure you're stay warm or you’ll get sick again. It ain’t good for you._

_We’re drowning in mud here, really, it’s unbelievable how much mud there is. There’s not even a point in taking a shower anymore cause an hour later you’ll be dirty again. Dirty and sweaty and reeking of mud. It’s a bit disgusting to be honest._

_I got into a fight today. Terry Trenton, a stuck – up, little bastard wanted to take my cigarettes, I punched him. Now I gotta take night watch and do extra paroles but it was worth it – god, can you believe it? I sound like you! Terry’s a real asshole, a bully you would say, always bragging about the things he’s done, showing no respect whatsoever towards others but he’s a good soldier. We all are._

_Please write me some time, so I know you’re okay._

_Love,_

_Bucky  
_

* * *

 

_Baby,_

_I’m sorry I couldn’t write in a while._

_It’s been six months now and the mud is drying out, getting hard and dusty, making it hard to breathe. I think I know now how you feel during your asthma attacks…I don’t know how you deal with it every fucking day. I’m already fed up with it._

_We lost a few men yesterday. Good men. I feel sorry for their families but I’m also glad it wasn’t me – does that make me a bad person? Maybe._

_Stevie, I’m getting real worried here…why won’t you write me back? Is everything okay? If something happened, I gotta know ‘cause this is driving me crazy._

_Remember that I love you, always_

_Bucky_

* * *

 

_Hey Buck,_

_I’m so, so, so sorry. Things have been crazy here lately but I promise I’m alright. More than alright actually. I can’t really explain what happened but you don’t have to worry about me. Everything gonna be fine. I promise._

_I miss you and love you_

_Stevie  
_

* * *

 

_Stevie,_

_You’re not really making me any less worry when you write stuff like that, seriously, way to be cryptic. I just hope you didn’t go and do something stupid like you always do. Not that I’m complaining. You rubbed off on me actually…every time there’s a sticky situation I ask myself, “What would Stevie do?” and then I do that, except less extreme and more cautiously, cause unlike you, I still got my brains. I trust you though, god knows I shouldn’t but I do and when you say you’re alright, then I’ll take your word for it. I have to cause I think losing you is the only thing I couldn’t shake._

_Please be careful,_

_Bucky  
_

* * *

 

_Ten months. Ten fucking months I’ve spent in this hellhole._

_The air is getting colder again but I don’t think any of us really notice. I know I don’t. I don’t really notice anything anymore, everything’s so dark. Not literally but like the world has been stripped bare of any colors, leaving nothing but black and grey. Even my memories seem darker._

_I’m so sorry Stevie, I know I promised to come back to you but I don’t know if I can keep that promise…I’m so scared._

_The only thing that lets me sleep at night is the thought that you are safe back home, that you don’t have to see the things I’ve seen, that you don’t have to do the things I’ve done. Please promise me that whatever happens, you lead a good life, okay? Promise me that you’ll be happy._

_I’m so sorry_

_Bucky_


	10. Godiva

It had been a few months since Steve had stepped into that machine that had made him into what he was now. One might think that’s enough time to get used to it. It wasn’t. Every time, Steve looked into a mirror, it took him a moment to realize that he was really seeing himself. He kept bumping into things because he just wasn’t used to the broad frame of his torso or his new height but the most confusing thing was probably the lack of pain. 25 years, he had lived with constant aches, he hadn’t been able to run because of his feet and his lungs, his stomach had acted up on a regular basis, he hadn’t been able to lie on hard surfaces because of his back, he hadn’t been able to see colours and he’d been deaf on the right ear and now…now all that was just…gone. He could _breathe._ The downside was, of course, those ridiculous songs they made him sing, the costume he had to wear and the way everyone looked at him like he was a piece of meat. Steve hadn’t thought he’d ever say it but he had liked being invisible, that way at least, he had been sure that people liked him for him and not for his muscles or a title like ‘Captain America’ – whose idea had that been anyway? But he didn’t complain. People needed hope and he was able to give it to them and that was more than he could have hoped for.

They were in Europe, near the front lines and just seeing these men, dirty, exhausted, looking up at the stage with hollow eyes, made Steve want to throw up. These soldiers weren’t interested in false hope or colorful words by a guy in a costume. These men wanted victory, they wanted safety, they wanted home. They wanted everything Steve couldn’t give to them.

It was raining and Steve remembered how Bucky had mentioned the mud in one of his letters.

»Hello Steve, «, a familiar voice with English accent greeted him and he turned around to look at Peggy, »Hi. «. Talking to Peggy was easy. It had been from the start and Steve didn’t know why that was just that it was nice. She was a friend in times where Steve felt like he didn’t have any of those left. She had been nice when others had only laughed at him.

»They look like they’ve been through hell. «, Steve muttered while they both watched an ambulance pass by. He again, remembered the hopelessness he had seen in the soldiers’ eyes.

»These men more than most. «, Peggy replied, »Schmidt sent out a force to Azzano. Two hundred men went up against him and less than fifty returned. Your audience contained what was left of the one-oh-seventh. The rest were killed or captured. «

Steve froze, _no, no, no,no, NO!_ »The one – o – seventh? «, he asked, his blood running cold.

»What? «, Peggy seemed confused but Steve really couldn’t care less about that right now because if this was the one – oh – seventh and Bucky hadn’t been there, then – _No!_

»Colonel Phillips! «, and god how he hated that man…»I need the casualty list from Azzano! «, _please…_ Steve felt like he might just get another asthma attack right now despite the serum, his chest felt too tight and his head was spinning and what if he was  - what if Bucky was – _No!_

»The name does sound familiar, I’m sorry. «, except he didn’t look sorry. Not really. Anger surged through Steve’s veins because there was no way in hell that he’d get back on a fricking stage now. Not when Bucky was out there, being tortured or god knows what.

»What do you plan to do? Walk to Austria? «, Peggy asked, following him into his tent.

»If that’s what it takes. «, Steve answered quickly throwing random things into a bag.

»You heard the Colonel, your friend is most likely dead. « - _No!_

»You don’t know that. «, _I don’t believe that. I can’t._

He was only mildly surprised when Peggy actually offered to fly him to Krausberg. After his transformation, he hadn’t see Howard Stark again so he was even more surprised to see him in the cockpit. »You know, you two are gonna be in a lot of trouble in the lab. «, he said. He wanted to apologize but he also wanted to say thank you.

»And you aren’t? «, Peggy shot back but Steve only shrugged, he didn’t care, »Where I’m goin’, if anybody yells at me I can just shoot ‘em. «, and Steve realized, as he said those words, that he would. He didn’t even care about that, all he could think of was Bucky. His Bucky. 

* * *

 

He had long since lost track of time. It might have been days since he had gotten here. It might have been weeks. Months. He didn’t know.

_I am Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, my service number is_ _32557038._

_I am Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, my service number is_ _32557038._

_I am Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, my service number is_ _32557038._

Over and over he recited the words in his head, trying to hold on, trying to hope because maybe someone would come. Maybe someone would help him.

_I am Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, my service number is_ _32557038._

They had taken him aside from the other soldiers. They had worked on some kind of aircraft, day and night without sleep of food and Bucky had felt himself getting weaker and weaker until he had collapsed under the weight of his own body and they had dragged him away. He still didn’t get any food but at least he could sleep and he didn’t have to work. They had bound him to a chair and it was cold – so, so cold – he heard the metal doors scraping over the concrete and heavy boots slowly coming closer. It always the same. They would come in, give him some kind of injection and then they’d leave.

_I am Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, my service number is_ _32557038._

»Oh we know who you are, «, the man whispered; Bucky hadn’t even realised he had been talking. There was a strong accents, German maybe, and it was first time anyone ever spoke to Bucky during the procedures. »You are going to be the new fist of HYDRA. «, Bucky had no idea what that meant or what HYDRA was he just knew that this man was insane.

_I am Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, my service number is_ _32557038._

_I am Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, my service number is_ _32557038._

_I am Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, my service number is_ _32557038._

»Bucky? «, a soft voice right next to his ear asked and Bucky squeezed his eyes shut because it couldn’t be…there was no way - »Oh my god. «

»Is that - «, _how?_

»It’s me. it’s Steve. «

Bucky opened his eyes, »Steve? «, the eyes were the same, that beautiful, beep blue with little pecks of green but – but –

»Come on. «, the man – Steve – helped him up.

»Steve. «, it didn’t make sense. Steve was supposed to be in Brooklyn. He was supposed to be safe. He was supposed to be –

»I thought you were dead. «

»I thought you were smaller. «

They made their way out of the lab. Steve seemed to know exactly where he was going, so Bucky just followed his lead, he was way too confused to think right now but he trusted Steve. What was even more confusing was his own body. Bucky was sure he hadn’t eaten in a very long time but…he felt fine. His headache was gone, his muscles relaxed, his vision clear. _Well, let’s file that under ‘to examine later’,_ he thought. That file was getting bigger and bigger by the seconds.

»Just go! Get out of here! «, Steve yelled over the chasm and Bucky would have laughed if this wasn’t so serious because, really? A _s if I could ever do that…_

»No! Not without you! «

Bucky watched in horror while Steve bend the rail further, creating a wide gap before walking backwards and _oh no!_ Steve jumped. 

* * *

 

In retro perspective, Steve had no idea how he had managed to get out of there alive. With Bucky. Not that it mattered anyway because here they were, side by side, walking back to the Army Camp. Steve had to turn his head several times, to make sure that Bucky was actually there and every time he did, he saw Bucky already looking at him. He could tell that the brunette was confused and Steve couldn’t blame him but…there was more. The way Bucky looked at him, confused, angry, scared but mostly…sad. Steve tried to give his friend a reassuring smile but when Bucky smiled back, it was only skin deep, leaving his eyes untouched. Steve was dying to finally be alone with Bucky.

»I’d like to surrender myself for disciplinary action. «, he announced once he was standing in front of Phillips. They were surrounded by the entire one – oh – seventh who was cheering and laughing, trying to get a look at him – at Captain America – Steve knew Phillips couldn’t punish him. Not with all these people around. Not when Steve had done what Phillips hadn’t been able to do, and indeed, as expected, »That won’t be necessary. «

»Yes, sir. « 

* * *

 

Bucky was angry. That in itself shouldn’t have been a problem except he had no idea _why_ he was so angry. Standing between his comrades, looking up to Steve and seeing all of them cheering for him…Bucky would have very much liked to punch each and every last one of them. They wouldn’t even have looked at Steve before, let alone talked to him or idolized him and now? Now they circulated him like moths flying around the light. It was truly disgusting to watch. There was something else, too. Steve. _His_ Steve. Steve wasn’t his anymore. Steve didn’t need him anymore now that he was big and strong and so, so _good_. He would realise just what a fuck – up, Bucky really was. What a hypocrite. And it hurt.

So Bucky did the best he could to avoid Steve but of course, you couldn’t be friends with someone – _more than friends_ – for 20 years and then not notice when they ignored you.

They were in London and Bucky could go home except he couldn’t and he started to hate himself for that because watching Steve with that red head, Carter…it was like watching a train wreck; you know you should look away, that nothing good would come from keeping your eyes on it but you just _can’t_. And the worst thing was that she was right for Steve in ways, Bucky could never be. It was like having your heart ripped out of your chest and then you have to watch while someone stamps on it over and over again.

_I need to get out of here,_ he thought desperately, turning towards the door while fumbling with his cigarettes.

»Bucky! Bucky, wait! «, Steve was calling after him and _goddammit_ , Bucky stopped.

»Yes, _Captain_? «, he asked, making sure to emphasize the last word and turned around. Steve stood there in the chilly November air, looking like he’d just been slapped in the face.

»Don’t call me that. «, he all but whispered. »Not you. «

And there it was again…the anger, »Well what else do you want me to call you? «, he snapped.

»My name you fucking asshole! «, Steve’s voice was raised as well and Bucky noticed that people were beginning to stare at them but he didn’t care. Not when Steve looked so hurt, not when _he_ was the reason Steve was hurting. He reeled back, »Jesus…«. Slowly, Steve stepped forward, closing the distance between them, »Steve… _Stevie_ …«

»Holy shit. «

Both he and Steve swiveled around and saw Dum Dum and Gabe standing in the door of the pub and for one tiny second, Bucky didn’t understand what was happening but then remembered and his blood ran cold, _Fuck!_

»Buck - «, Steve began anew, not seeing the major disaster that was happening right before his eyes, »Not here. «, Bucky grumbled and started walking back to the hotel where they all had rooms. He didn’t have to turn around to know that Steve was following him and he felt like this should feel familiar. The fear, bubbling inside of him. The uncertainty.

»Why’ve you been ignoring me? «, Steve asked the second they had entered Bucky’s room and Bucky wanted to say, ‘No, I didn’t ignore you’, wanted to deny everything, except he had and he couldn’t. He let out a sigh and sank down on the soft mattress of the bed, his eyes fixed on his hands, »I’m sorry. «, was the first thing that left his mouth.

»What are you sorry for? «, Steve’s voice was soft now as he sat down next to Bucky.

»I just - «, _I love you so much but I know I can’t keep you and you and Carter would be good together and you have a real chance here, Stevie and you should take it and not waste your time with me…_ he didn’t say any of that, though. Instead, he raised his head and looked at Steve. Really looked. The eyes were still the same but everything else was just… _fuck._ Carefully, giving Steve enough time to back away, Bucky raised his hand and gently laid it on the blonde’s face, stroking his cheek with his thumb. There was a question in Steve’s eyes, a need for reassurance and Bucky tried to concentrate on that. Maybe, _maybe_ , if he ignored everything else, if he forgot that this man was someone else, he could pretend like everything was fine and they were back in their shitty, little flat in Brooklyn where the heater was constantly broken and the walls were too thin.

»Buck? «

»You look so different. «

»Yeah…I know. «

»I like it. «, because how the hell couldn’t he like it. »But I liked small you too. «

»I know. «, Steve smiled almost shily and edged closer towards Bucky.

»Can you just…hold me? «, Bucky asked, almost expecting a rejection but then Steve’s arms were wrapped around him and it was so different from when he’d been small and skinny. Bucky could feel strong muscles instead of bones and skin so he buried his head in Steve’s neck and ran his fingers through Steve’s hair. It was the same hair. Short and soft, like silk. He breathed in, smelling the familiar scents of paint and paper and _Steve_. There was a strangled moan, and it took Bucky a moment to realize that he was the one who had let it out.

»Shh…it’s okay, Buck. I’m here. I’m still me. «, the strong pair of arms gently pushed Bucky away but only far enough so he could see Steve’s face, »I’m still me, «, he repeated, »And I still love you. That’s never gonna change. «

»What about Carter? «, Bucky asked quietly, almost laughing at the way Steve’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, »What about her? «

»She likes you, «, Bucky pointed out, »And it’s obvious you like her and…shit, Stevie…she’s perfect for you. «

»But I don’t want her, Bucky. I want you. Just you. « and then Steve kissed him and it was just like Bucky had remembered, sweet and passionate and consuming and for now, Bucky didn’t care about his anger or Carter or the fucking war still raging around them. All he cared about was Steve. 

* * *

 

Steve woke up with the familiar feeling of Bucky’s arms wrapped around his body and he couldn’t help but smile. Everything was going to be alright.

Carefully, he extracted himself from his boyfriend and shivered at the sudden cold. He stepped in front of the window, gazing outside. It was raining but the city underneath them was full of life, people hurrying through the street going by their daily life. It was kind of beautiful. Not having anything else to do, Steve grabbed his sketchbook and sat down by the window, setting the pencil down on the paper. Stroke by stroke, the streets of London appeared before him, faceless strangers in the rain pouring from the skies. Bucky lying naked on the bed, only half covered by the quilt. A table in a pub with men he had only just met but who were willing to risk their lives for him.

»Stevie? «, Bucky muttered into the pillow and within seconds, Steve had dropped his sketchbook and hurried to Bucky’s side, »I’m right here. «

»’ time is it? «

»Seven o’clock. «

»’s too early…come back to bed. «

»I can’t, baby…I gotta go meet Howard, remember? «, Steve whispered into Bucky’s hair and Bucky let out a grievous groan which made Steve laugh. »Go back to sleep. I’ll bring you some coffee when I’m finished. «, he muttered but Bucky had already fallen asleep again. 

* * *

 

It was already quite late when Bucky finally got up. He felt like he hadn’t slept so peacefully in ages and he probably hadn’t. Being in a war zone wasn’t exactly the best condition for a healthy life style, _and don’t even get me started on imprisonment._ Bucky took a shower before examining the room. He hadn’t exactly done that before but he had to say…it was nice. His eyes fell on something on the floor. Something that looked like – Bucky nearly choked on his own tongue when he saw the drawing of himself, lying on the bed, clearly naked and it reminded him… _shit, fucking flying crap!_ Dugan and Jones knew…or maybe they didn’t know but they certainly suspected because they weren’t stupid and Bucky had talked enough about _Stevie_ for the past months. It hadn’t even been intentional. He had written his first letter for Steve and the others had talked about people they had left behind and then one of the boys had thought it funny to snatch away his letter and well…he could hardly have said that Stevie was his boyfriend back in New York, so he’d gone with ‘Stevie’ – Stephanie, a skinny, small blonde with soft hair and the most beautiful blue eyes in existence, which was all true except for the Stephanie part. But now Steve was here and wasn’t that just swell? And just what was he supposed to do? 

* * *

 

As nice as the day had started, it soon turned into one horrible nightmare. First that woman that had thrown herself at him, kissing him in the middle of the damn building, then Peggy walking in on them, then Peggy _shooting_ at him and now the conversation he would have to have with Peggy although he wasn’t quite sure yet what he wanted to say since he obviously couldn’t tell her the truth. Or could he?

»How can I help you, Captain? «, she asked, her voice still kind of coolly.

»I – er – I wanted to apologize. For what happened earlier. «, he started, thinking that that was at least the easy part and was surprised when Peggy let out a scoff, »You mean you’re sorry I saw that. «, she said and Steve blinked, »No. I’m sorry it happened. I didn’t want it to happen. «. Peggy raised her eyebrows but kept quiet, »But…there is something…I mean…«, he stammered, _come on, keep it together, Rogers,_ »I like you, Peggy. «, he blurted out, »But we can’t…I mean, I can’t…because I already – I mean…«, he babbling nonsense and almost wished that Peggy had her gun back so he would have something else to focus on and not just the unimpressed look on her face, »Are you quite finished? «, she asked, a smile playing around the corners of her lips.

»Uhm, yes? «

»Good, because I have other business to tend to. Say hello to Sergeant Barnes from me. «, and she turned around and left and Steve thought he might get heart attack. _How?!_ She had literally just met Bucky for maybe five minutes, how could she possibly know…? And then the true meaning of her words began to sank in and now Steve was definitely panicking because she _knew._

_Calm down, she’s not gonna say anything. She’s not._ He trusted Peggy. _But what if she is?_

* * *

 

Bucky sat in the dining room of the hotel, a cup of badly brewed coffee in his hands and a plate with real bacon in front of him but he didn’t really register his breakfast. He was waiting for Dugan and Jones to come in so he could make sure they kept their mouths shut.

»Morning, Serg. «

»Dugan. «

»What’s with the face? «, the other man asked and made a comical impression of a glare which caused Buck to intensify his own. _Anger_. One by one the rest of the men came in, all except Steve.

»Where’s our Captain? «, Morita asked loudly and Bucky could have sworn that Dugan and Jones exchanged a glance before turning towards Bucky.

»He had a meeting with Stark this morning. «, Bucky answered, trying to keep his voice even. These men were not his enemies, he had to remind himself. They were his friends. His comrades. All other responses were interrupted when Steve entered the room with a thermos in his hand and a smile on his face. Something was wrong. No one else seemed to notice but Bucky knew Steve like the back of his hand, knew every facial expression, every hair and every scar and even some kind of freaky super – serum, couldn’t change that and something was wrong. It was in the tension of Steve’s shoulders and the cautious look in his eyes. It was in the way, he immediately steered towards Bucky and sat down a little bit too close to him.

»Sorry I’m late, «, Steve said upon sitting down, »Your coffee as promised. «, Steve handed Bucky the thermos who took it a bit confused, _when had he – oh._ Bucky had still been half asleep when Steve had left but there might have been a conversation involving coffee.

»Thanks, «, and _bloody hell,_ the coffee was good. Not the crappy instant shit they had had with their rations and not the watery excuse he currently still had in the mug before him but actual, black nectar from heaven.

»What’s the plan, Cap? «, Dugan asked and okay, that was good wasn’t it? If Dugan hadn’t said anything so far, maybe he didn’t know after all.

»HYDRA has several factories, similar to the one you’ve been kept in. I got a look on a map with the locations so we should be able to find them and take them out. We’ll start with France, the plane leaves first thing tomorrow. «, and there was another thing. Steve usually wasn’t this short – spoken. The rest of the guys fell into easy conversation and banter while Steve nourished his own cup of coffee and Bucky tried to guess Steve’s thoughts just by staring at him. He realized his mistake when he felt Dugan’s eyes on him for the sixth time in a row.

It wasn’t until after breakfast, when they all retreated to their rooms or went into the city that Bucky managed to corner Dugan alone and all but slammed him into the nearest wall, »You listen to me, _pal_ , I don’t know what you think you know but if you so much as breathe a word, I’m gonna make you regret it, you hear me? «, he snarled into the other man’s ear and was only slightly taken aback by the expression on Dum Dum’s face…was that… _fear?_

»Woah, slow down, «, the soldier spoke, his voice calm despite the obvious discomfort he was in, »Who do you take me for? What you and the Captain do behind closed doors ain’t none of my business. «, Bucky took a moment to take in his face, trying to detect a lie, any form of insincerity. He found none. Taking a deep breath, Bucky stepped back a bit and Dum Dum relaxed slightly, »You’re a good man, Barnes. Good soldier. You saved my skin more than a couple of time and if it wasn’t for our American Wonder Boy, I wouldn’t be here. «, that was true, »So, we cool? «

Bucky gave a sharp nod, still fighting the anger inside him. The fear.

»Cool. «, with one last pat on Bucky’s shoulder that somehow seemed more careful than usually, Dugan left and Bucky began to wonder what the hell was wrong with him. 

* * *

 

Steve was back in Bucky’s room. Waiting. After his freak out at HQ, he had taken a moment to calm himself down, telling himself over and over again, _Peggy is my friend, she wouldn’t betray me like that, it’s gonna be alright,_ before he remembered that he had promised Bucky coffee so he had walked back into one of the kitchens and filled a thermos to take that with him back to the hotel. There had been a strange kind of tension over breakfast and a weariness radiating from Bucky that had set Steve on edge. Something was wrong, he just didn’t know what it was.

When Bucky finally entered the room, he seemed slightly calmer which Steve took as a good sign and when they locked eyes, Bucky smiled.

»Hey you, «, the brunette greeted him and pressed a kiss to his forehead the way he had always done before the war.

»Hey. «

»Is everything okay? You seemed…off earlier. «, Bucky asked, his brows slightly furrowed, eyes filled with concern.

»It’s, er, it’s Peggy. I went to talk to her and…Bucky I think she knows. About us. «, Steve watched Bucky’s face closely, waiting for his reaction. He hadn’t expected Bucky to let out a shaky laugh, »Smart girl, that one. «, he muttered, »Do you trust her, Steve? «

»Yeah. «, he answered without hesitation.

»Then it’s gonna be fine. «, there was so much conviction in Bucky’s eyes, Steve couldn’t help but believe him. »Come here, «, Bucky pulled Steve into a tight embrace and it was still so weird to feel so big when he had always been the small one, when he had always fitted so perfectly into Bucky’s arms. Bucky seemed to be having the same thought because he started chuckling, »God this is so strange, «.

»Yeah it is, «, Steve agreed, and then added with a grin »But hey, I guess now you’ll finally have to look up to me. «

Bucky pulled back and placed his hand on Steve’s cheek, his eyes soft and loving, »Steve, I always looked up to you. «, it sounded like a secret, the way he whispered the words into the air between them, like a confession of something Big and Important.

»Buck…«, Steve started, his mouth suddenly dry, »I thought you’d died, y’know. «, he started, his eyes never leaving his friend’s, »I thought you’d died and the thought of that…it was unbearable. «, _I couldn’t live without you. I wouldn’t want to,_ »I just wish…«, he sighed and shook his head, it was stupid.

»What? What do you wish, Stevie? «

»I wish we could be together. Really be together without fear. Without people judging us. I know it ain’t gonna happen but…I wish we could. «

Bucky considered him for a moment before his face broke into the only too familiar sly, mischievous smile, »Gimme your tags. «, he said.

»Huh? «

»Your dog tags, give ‘em to me. «

Confused, Steve reached up to his neck and pulled off the chain with the tags and placed them into Bucky’s hand.

»Steven Grant Rogers, I can’t remember not loving you and I wouldn’t know how to stop. You are everything I ever wanted and I would go to hell and back for you. I want to spent the rest of my life by your side and even though I know it’s not possible I would drag you the altar right here and now. «, he his own dog tags into his hand and took off one of the tags, before doing the same with Steve’s, »I’m yours, if you want me. So what’ya say? «, he attached his tag to Steve’s chain and Steve’s tag to his own before offering the chain back to Steve, »Marry me? «

Steve was speechless, his mouth hanging wide open while he stared at Bucky who was grinning bigger and bigger now, »You better shut that mouth of your or you’ll catch flies. «

»Bucky – I – Yes! «, Steve exclaimed.

»You want the flies? «, the impish smirk on Bucky’s face growing smugger and smugger by the second, his brows arched suggestively.

»No you dipshit, I want you. «

»Language. «, Bucky shot back, before his face became soft, »You have me, punk. « 

* * *

 

They moved out to France the next morning, the dog tags, resting heavily on Bucky’s chest making him feel giddy and happy and carefree even though there was nothing about their situation that was any of those things. They were just a bunch of soldiers, worn down from battle, fighting a fight against a monster that seemed impossible to kill. But at least they tried. And if Bucky died tomorrow, he would at least die with Steve’s name around his neck.


	11. Save Me From The Way I Tend To Be

France, Belgium, Germany.

Three counties, three Hydra bases, three months.

Getting across the German border and to where they were right now had been their most difficult task yet but they were a group of only seven men and Gabe Jones actually spoke German and it wasn’t like they were there to fight the war. Not the main one anyway. They were here for HYDRA. The factory was on the outskirts of Berlin, a heavily armed and highly protected area that was near impossible to get information on.

»I swear those German girls are as uptight as Colonel Philips, «, Jones complained after another unsuccessful night out. Steve heard several snorts but he didn’t look up from where he was hunched over a mess of maps and files – he frowned, »Hey Jones, what’s ‘Hauptstromleitung’? «, he asked, staggering over the letters.

»Main power line, «, Jones answered without missing a beat, »Why? You found something? «

»Maybe. «

He heard several pairs of feet scrabbling over the floor before he was surrounded by broad bodies and the smell of beer, cigarette and sweat. He pointed at one of the maps, »See this? Supposedly it’s the generator for the entire power system, back – up generator is somewhere in the basement but it takes approximately 30 seconds for that to kick in, which means we’d have a window where we can get in. «

»Sounds risky. «, Falsworth muttered.

»You got a better idea? «, Bucky grumbled and only now, did Steve notice that his boyfriend was still sitting in the dark a few feet away, his face half hidden by the shadows but the glare in his eyes was unmistakable. Steve frowned. He had noticed of course that Bucky seemed to be in a constantly bad mood. His answers were short, almost snappish, he followed orders mechanically and hardly ever slept. It had Steve more than just a bit worried.

»Well no, I’m just saying - «, Falsworth tried to argue but Steve quickly intervened, »It’s okay, James. You’re right, it is risky but it’s also our best shot. Bucky can take out the power, we go in, sweep the place out and leave. «, it sounded simple enough but of course, things hardly ever went according to plan. 

* * *

 

Darkness. That’s what Bucky felt. Or that’s what Bucky would have felt if darkness was a feeling. Not the empty kind of darkness. He was filled with rage and agonizing screams, with sharp teeth ready to tear into his skin, blood red stains on white snow and the feeling of hundreds and thousands of eyes watching him. It was all in his head so Bucky turned it off. It’s not real if you don’t think about it. And then there was Steve. Steve, shining brighter than the sun, a lighthouse in a never – ending night, his Polaris always pointing north.

Bucky was on the look – out, lying flat on the hard ground, covered by bushes, not moving, taking even breaths. He counted down the seconds to take out the power.

_10_

Steve had told them the plan. It sounded easy.

_9_

Bucky had had another fight with Dernier this morning. He had to remind himself that they were working together.

_8_

Once again Bucky wondered what HYDRA had done to him to make him like this.

_7_

He felt like his insides had been turned out, like the deepest parts of his soul had been pushed to the surface.

_6_

The anger.

_5_

The fear.

_4_

The doubts.

_3_

The protectiveness

_2_

The possessiveness

_1_

Steve

_Shot_

The bullet hit its target and all the lights went out. Bucky could hear shouting from underneath, people running around in confusion, a fence breaking down, yelling, guns, explosions, fire. He had the perfect view from where he was waiting, watching the fight through the sight of his rifle, taking down anyone that dared get too close to Steve. His Steve. He still remembered his first battle. How nervous he had been, jumping at every sound while waiting. And waiting. And waiting. No matter what people said, for Bucky that was still the worst part of war. Not the bloodshed. Not death. No, the anticipation. The uncertainty of what was going to happen. All that was gone now. Bucky was no longer nervous. His senses were sharp, focused on the enemy, no hesitation.

Aim, exhale, shoot.

Aim, exhale, shoot.

Aim, exhale, shoot. 

* * *

 

Steve had taken a hard blow to the head. A tank had exploded right next to him, throwing him through the air, surrounded by heat and fire, before crashing against a concrete wall. He wasn’t quite sure what had happened after that.

When he came to, he was lying on a hard, cold surface, the soft murmur of voices surrounding him, the smell of stew and fire hanging in the air. He shifted and opened his eyes. He was back in the camp.

»Oh, look who’s decided to join us again. Welcome back, Cap. «, Dugan announced and laughed. Blinking a few times, Steve propped himself up and looked around, they were all there, his men, sitting close by, talking and eating dinner.

»How long was I out? «, he asked.

»Couple hours. Barnes was getting frantic, «, Gabe Jones answered, already edging away from Bucky who glared at the man, »Was not. «, he muttered, »Just angry that you got your punk – ass hurt again. I swear it’s impossible to take you anywhere. «

»Well, at least I keep it interesting. «

»Interesting, my ass. «, Bucky grumbled but Steve could see the twitch of his lips. It was clear that Bucky wasn’t really angry. Just concerned. That, Steve was used to.

»That real meat? «, he asked as a way to change the subject and Morita nodded enthusiastically, »Figured they didn’t need it anymore, so we took it. «, he announced proudly and handed Steve a steaming bowl.

»Thanks. «, Steve took the bowl and listened to his comrades while they told him bits and pieces of what had happened at the factory. Apparently, meat hadn’t been the only thing they had found. There had been beer, potatoes and real chocolate. Steve smiled when he saw the happy look in his friends’ eyes at the rare treat and slowly but surely his head stopped throbbing.

It was a few hours later, Dernier had taken first watch and the rest had gone to their tents when Steve heard the familiar steps of Bucky coming closer. Without a word, Steve scooted over, making space for the brunette and a moment later, he had a muscly, strong body pressed against his back. He could feel Bucky’s breath in his neck as he leaned in closer, scenting his hair. It had been a bit strange at first but by now Steve was used to it. Every so often, Bucky would come up to Steve and simply stare into his eyes for some time or bury his nose in his hair. Steve wasn’t sure why he did it but he also didn’t want to ask, fearing that he might scare Bucky away. It seemed to make Bucky happy, whenever he did it, the older man seemed relaxed, content. And that was something Steve certainly wasn’t complaining about. 

* * *

 

The soothing smell of Steve’s hair was something Bucky would never get tired of. He had tried to sleep on his own, he really had. Sharing a tent with the other guys around was risky so they had agreed that they wouldn’t but…as soon as Bucky closed his eyes, the nightmares came. He couldn’t do it. The loneliness was suffocating him, making him feel isolated like he was watching the world through the wrong end of a telescope. So he made his way to Steve’s tent and bathed at the feeling of his lover’s body heat and the sound of steady, calm breathing. Sometimes he found himself missing the wheezing, which was ridiculous because not hearing it, meant Steve was healthy and that was something Bucky had always wished for.

_Maybe I’ll survive this war after all,_ he thought, slowly drifting off to sleep as well, _maybe we both will.  
_

* * *

 

Steve was woken up the next morning by Dum Dum, shouting for him to get his ass out of bed, »Gotta get a move on! «. Bucky was still sleeping peacefully next to him, something he hardly did these days and it broke Steve’s heart that he had to wake him up but Dugan had a point, »Hey Buck, we gotta go. «, he whispered into Bucky’s ear and gently stroked the brunette’s hair.

»Don’t wanna. «, Bucky muttered, his eyes still closed.

»Well, you gotta, so move it. «.

Steve was pretty sure that the other guys had long since picked up on their relationship but so far no one had said a word and Steve certainly wouldn’t be the one to bring it up. Still, they needed to be careful.

»I’m gonna withhold sex for a month if you don’t get up now. «, he threatened and his words had the desirable effect. Within seconds, Bucky sat upright in the sleeping bag, staring at him with wide eyes, »You wouldn’t. «

»You wanna put that to the test? «, Steve challenged, knowing he had already won.

»Nah, better not risk it. You’re so off your head you actually might go through with that. «

»Damn right I would, «, he really wouldn’t.

Five minutes later, they had packed up their stuff and ten minutes later they were on their way back to London for debriefing.


	12. Somehow, Somewhere, Sometime (The Future Will Start)

Poland, Czechoslovakia, Greece.

It was December and for once, Steve didn’t mind. He had learned to hate winter. Winter had meant endless series of sickness and shivering and even less money than in the summer. Now, though, winter wasn’t so bad. They were back in London and it was only a few day left until Christmas so everyone was in high spirits despite their last mission. Ever since Germany, it had seemed like HYDRA was preparing for their attacks, improving their security, moving important assets to a safer place. The last factory they had stormed, they had found empty, all the workers, prisoners, killed or left for death. As much as Steve hated HYDRA, he couldn’t deny that they were smart. _Well, be smarter, Rogers,_ a voice in his head said, it was a strange mixture of Bucky and Peggy, the two most important people in his life right now. Every time they came back to London, he would meet up with Peggy to get lunch or coffee or dinner and they would talk or Steve would draw while she finished some paperwork for the S.S.R.. It was an easy friendship even tough Steve could sometimes see the sadness in her eyes whenever Bucky was with them. But she never said anything. It was a mutual understanding between three of them that his relationship with the brunette was not up for discussion. Besides, Bucky and Peggy seemed to have found some mutual ground as well, mostly teasing Steve. It was a nightmare and Steve loved it.

»I feel like we should do something nice for the holidays, « Bucky announced one morning while they lay cuddled together in bed. »I haven’t had a nice Christmas ever since I left. «

»Hmm, «, Steve hummed, »What do you have in mind? «

»I don’t know. Dinner in an actual restaurant, maybe? The whole lot of us. I’m sure the guys would approve. Peggy too. Maybe you guys can even go dancing. «, he added with a wink and Steve could feel himself blush, »Bucky - «, he groaned but was cut off when his boyfriend started laughing, »Hey, I’m just saying. «, he settled down again, his eyes much softer now while he caressed Steve’s cheeks, »I’m not jealous, y’know. «, he whispered, »I know that she wouldn’t try anything…I trust her. «

And somehow that meant more to Steve than he had expected. Sure, he loved Peggy and Peggy loved him but…it wasn’t like that. It was deep admiration and respect and maybe, in another lifetime, under different circumstances, they could have been good together. Now though, they found solace in their friendship and Steve loved Bucky even more for seeing that.

»I like that idea, «, Steve admits almost shily. To be honest, he didn’t even remember the last time they’d had a proper Christmas…probably when his ma had still been alive.

»Well then…that’s settled. «, Bucky smiled at him. His smiled had long since lost the brightness they had used to carry but Steve could still see it underneath, fighting its way though all the dark memories and pain. It was still breathtaking. 

* * *

 

In the beginning, Bucky had been ready to hate Peggy Carter. Hell, he had tried to hate her. Except he couldn’t. Not once he had gotten to know her better. Peggy was wonderful. Underneath the gorgeous woman, was a strong, confident leader, ready to go into battle for the things she believed him. Never backing down. Never giving up. It reminded him of Steve. So no, Bucky didn’t hate her, in fact, Peggy was like the little sister he’d never had and together they always managed to rile up Steve and positively drive him up the walls. It was hilarious, really.

Bucky had spent a lot of time finding the perfect present for Steve now that he actually had a bit of money to spare. But nothing seemed to fit. He thought about the little, golden pin, he still wore above his heart and the photo of him, Sarah and Steve. These little things that Steve had given him and that meant the world to him. How could he ever find something that compared to the love of Steve Rogers?

»Maybe you should stop thinking about what he needs or wants but instead concentrate on what he means to you. «, Peggy had suggested cryptically one evening they sat together in a pub while Steve was getting more drinks. Bucky startled out of his thoughts, staring at her, he wanted to ask what she meant but in that moment Steve came back, balancing three pint glasses in his hands and Bucky was left with a mysterious advice he wasn’t sure what to make of. _What he means to you – what did Steve mean to him?_ It seemed like a trick question, since the answer would be _everything,_ but he could hardly wrap that up as a gift. Or could he?

It was already late when Steve had finally gone to bed and Bucky had made an excuse to be right back, »Just going outside for a smoke, «, he’s said. Of course, that wasn’t what he was doing, instead his feet carried him towards Peggy’s room who scowled at him when she opened the door, »How can I help you, Barnes? «, asked slightly annoyed and Bucky had to take a moment to swallow down his nervousness.

»I need your help. « 

* * *

 

Bucky was up to something. He had acted particularly strange during the last few days, talking to Peggy and Howard which was odd because Steve couldn’t remember Bucky ever actually having a conversation with Stark. It wasn’t that he was worried, he trusted Bucky, but he did wonder what the older man was up to – that was until Christmas finally rolled around, Bucky was nowhere to be found and there was a knock at the door. Steve frowned, he wasn’t expecting anyone, except Bucky that was, but he opened it anyway and was even more confused when he was face to face with Peggy who had an unreadable expression on her face, »Get dressed, Captain. We’re going out. «, she announced, her voice letting no room for objection. She shoved a bag into his arms and tipped her fingers on her wrist. She wasn’t wearing a watch but the gesture was clear, so Steve hurriedly closed the door again and opened the bag; inside he found an expensive looking suit, a tie and shiny shoes. He considered asking Peggy what was going on but then thought better of it and put on the clothes. They fit perfectly albeit they felt strange on his skin. Peggy clicked her tongue impatiently when Steve finally emerged from his room and grabbed his arm to lead him outside. Every question Steve might have had died on his tongue when he saw the car waiting outside and Peggy coaxed him into the backseat, sliding next to him and giving the driver an unknown address. Steve watched London pass him by as the car drove through the wintery streets and he was amazed at how peaceful it all looked. Snow was covering the pavements, the roofs of the buildings and the frozen Thames. A piece of paradise in the middle of a war.

»Here we are, Miss. «. The car had stopped in front of a pompous hotel, golden light shining out of the windows, »Thank you, Alfred. «

They stepped out of the car and into the hotel and Steve still had no clue what was happening here. Giving the man at the reception a sweet smile, Peggy led Steve towards the stairs as if she knew exactly where she was going, which she probably did and Steve tried his best to look relaxed and not like he was being kidnapped by his friend. They stopped in front of room number nine and Peggy opened the door, it was unlocked. »Have a lovely evening, Steve. «, she told him before she continued her way further down the hall. Steve blinked and watched her go before slowly turning towards the open hotel room. The lights were turned off but there were lit candles bathing everything in a warm flickering light. Carefully, Steve took a step forward, looking around. The room was huge. Larger than the flat he and Bucky had had in Brooklyn. There was a king – sized bed with more pillows than any person could possibly need, a set table with two chairs and a trolley with food.

»May I take your coat? «, Steve jumped lightly at the voice but then immediately relaxed when he realized it was just Bucky with a shit – eating grin on his face, extending his arm to emphasize his words. Still too dumbfounded to get out anything, Steve simply shrugged off his jacket and handed it to Bucky, there were so many questions on his mind, he didn’t even know where to start, »What – how – when - «, he stuttered and Bucky barked out a laugh, »When you’re finished going through the list of question words, let me offer you a seat. «. The brunette pulled out one of the chairs and only now did Steve really take in his appearance. Bucky looked…stunning. His hair was combed back, he had shaved and his clothes looked tailored and just as expensive as Steve’s while he waited for Steve to sit down. So he did.

»Wine? «, not waiting for an answer, Bucky poured Steve and himself each a glass of red wine before sitting down opposite to him, still smiling.

»Bucky? «, Steve asked and was glad to find that his voice seemed to be working again.

»Steve. «, his boyfriend teased with a slight roll of his eyes before growing serious, a fond expression on his face, »I wanted to do something special for you. Something I could have never done before. I wanted us to have a real date. «, he explained and now he looked almost sheepish and that just couldn’t be so Steve quickly covered the brunette’s hand with his own and looked into those magnificent blue eyes, »I – I don’t know what to say…it’s perfect. «, he breathed and Bucky relaxed, »I’m glad. «

The evening was everything Steve had ever dreamed of. They drank wine and ate turkey and talked and laughed and then Bucky stood up and went to the record player.

»May I have this dance? «, he asked seductively and how could Steve say now to that? He still had no idea how to dance but Bucky still didn’t seem to care as they moved through the room, chests pressed against each other, two hearts beating as one and when the clock struck midnight, Bucky took Steve’s face in both his hands and whispered, »Merry Christmas, Stevie. «

»Merry Christmas, Buck. « 

* * *

 

There was a pulsating light inside of him, growing bigger and bigger pushing away the twilight in his heart, filling him with warmth and hope and love. It was an illusion, a colorful dream but right here, right now, Bucky wanted to believe it. He wanted to believe in a world without war where it was just him and Steve. Together.

»That was the best Christmas present ever, «, Steve whispered when they woke up to the first rays of sunshine. »Thank you, Bucky. «

»Anything for my best guy. «, he replied just as softly, almost afraid that if he raised his voice, the spell would break and reality would come crushing down on them, ripping them apart and leaving them alone and broken.

»Now I feel like my present for you is not nearly enough, «, the blonde muttered shily and Bucky made sure that they locked eyes before he spoke, »Steve, as long as you’re here with me, that’s more than enough for me. «

»You’re such a sap, Barnes. «, Steve giggled but he seemed relieved nonetheless, his eyes tender.

»Yeah well…one of us has to be. «

They shared a kiss, long and deep and Bucky tried his best to cling on to this moment, knowing that there might not be another.

* * *

 

The Christmas party itself was a whirlwind of loud music, too much food, beer, laugher and the voice of Howard Stark telling ridiculous stories of failed science but the only thing Steve was looking at was Bucky. There was something about him that seemed lighter, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He reminded Steve so much of the boy from Brooklyn, the one before the war and for the first time since he had saved him from HYDRA’s claws, he wondered if he had really done the right thing. Bucky had had the chance to be sent back home with honors but he had stayed. He had stayed because of Steve and Steve had watched him crumble before his eyes, worn down by a war he never wanted to fight. What if he had told Bucky to go home? Sure, he would be going out of his mind with how much he would miss him but at least he would know that Bucky was safe. Suddenly, it wasn’t so stupid anymore that Bucky had been so vigorously against Steve’s enlistment; it seemed reasonable.

The room erupted into a new round of laugher and Steve was pulled out of his thoughts and into yet another story of Bucky while he told the others about a fight Steve had had gotten into in the dark alleys of Brooklyn, a lifetime ago. 

* * *

 

Much, much later, when everyone had stumbled to their beds, Bucky slid into Steve’s room like he did every night with a big smile on his face, »You’re still awake. «, he noted.

»Apparently, I am. «

»Smartass. «

»Still gotta give you your present. «, Steve said quietly, he seemed nervous for some inexplicable reason. Bucky fell down on the bed rather gracelessly while he watched his boyfriend move around the room towards his sketchbook and came back with a drawing. No, no that wasn’t right. It was the most detailed, most beautiful drawing he had ever seen of Steve. Or ever. It was the two of them, but older, small wrinkles around their eyes and noses, first strains of grey appearing in their hair. It was the two of them in an unknown living room with a fireplace in the background, the walls covered with bookshelves. It was the two of them together, smiling, their hands intertwined.

»Stevie, are those - «, Bucky began, his fingers tracing the lines of the rings on both their hands.

»Yeah. «

There was a sentence written underneath the scene and when Bucky looked up to meet Steve’s gaze, there were tears burning in his eyes.

_I’m with you till the end of the line._


	13. Love Is Not A Victory March (It’s A Cold And I’s A Broken Hallelujah)

It was the 25th January, 1945 and the Howling Commandos stood on a mountain covered in snow somewhere in the Alps. One of the S.S.R. informants had tipped them off that Dr. Arnim Zola would be coming through on a train from the HYDRA base in Italy to the one in Switzerland. The man that had run experiments on Bucky. It was a risky mission, even more so than bursting into one weapon factory after another – they were talking zip lining onto a moving train in hostile territory here – but none of them really cared if it meant taking HYDRA’s most important asset away. It would just be Bucky, Gabe and him while the rest watched over everything with sharp eyes and ears and Steve had to admit, he was a little bit nervous. Bucky stood at the edge of the abyss, looking down at the rail tracks and Steve stepped next to him. The brunette began talking about that time they went to Coney Island, a memory, Steve would never let go off. It had totally been his fault, not that he would admit that out loud, but Bucky knew anyway. It was a good memory of days long gone. Happy days.

»Let’s get going, because they’re moving like the devil. «, Falsworth suddenly called out, demanding both Steve’s and Bucky’s attention. They moved to the zip line and on Dernier’s signal, Steve jumped. 

* * *

 

Bucky was right behind Steve, hanging onto the handle while they practically flew over the valley. _Don’t look down,_ he told himself. _Don’t look down. Don’t look down._

They reached the train and Bucky let go, landing on the hard surface. He heard Gabe doing the same behind him with a soft _thump_ and the three men started moving.

Inside the train, the rattling was quitter but still audible, swallowing the sounds of their steps while Bucky always stayed behind Steve to cover his back. The blonde threw a glance over his shoulder, looking confused and slightly unnerved. Bucky could relate to the feeling; the lack of guards wasn’t exactly reassuring.

_Woosh_. A door slid shut and Bucky cursed under his breath, he didn’t like this. He didn’t like this at all. There was a noise behind his back and Bucky turned around, seeing the shadow of a man at the other end of the wagon, without stopping to think, he began shooting. He wasn’t even sure how many men there were, just that he was running out of bullets. Fast. And Steve was behind that stupid door and who knew what he would get up to when Bucky wasn’t there to have his six.

_Fuck!_

His magazine was empty. Pressing himself against the wall of the train, Bucky took a deep breath, _it could always be worse,_ he thought, just when the door next to him opened and for one horrifying moment, he thought it actually _was_ getting worse but then he saw Steve and when exactly had their roles been reversed? He was the one getting Steve out of trouble, not the other was around.

»I had him on the ropes, «, he grumbled.

»I know you did. «, a beeping sound came from behind them and a…thing… _what the hell is that?,_ he thought while Steve was already shoving him out of the way, »Get down! «, he yelled and the thing shot. Bucky dimly realized that a part of the wall was blasted away, wind rushing through the wagon and Steve was lying on the ground not moving. Bucky grabbed the shield, Steve’s shield, and stood up to finish that son of a bitch off but –

»Bucky! «

It was cold. It was so cold and his arms hurt and he saw Steve hanging on to the outside of the train.

»Hang on! Grab my hand! «, he was so close. So close. So – 

* * *

 

The train rattled on and Steve was still hanging onto the handle, ice cold wind blowing into his face but he couldn’t feel it. He couldn’t feel anything. A big, empty hole where his heart should have been.

»Captain! Captain, we gotta go! «, someone was hauling him back into the train, strong arms, grabbing him tightly, a rough voice in his ear, »Come on! «

Steve stumbled forward, he felt like he was caught in a dream, a nightmare, and he couldn’t seem to wake up. He just wanted to wake up.

He was surrounded by voices, hushed whispers, but no one was talking to him. No one even looked at him. Steve was glad. He just wanted to wake up.

»We’re here Cap, «, that was Dugan’s voice. Steve looked up in surprise, _when did I get into a plane?_ He didn’t know but he must have because that’s where he was. »Listen, I know what he meant to you and I’m sorry. «, Steve studied Dugan’s face. Genuine empathy and sadness. But he had no idea – _no idea._

He was back in London. Steve stood in his room staring blindly at the bed. Their bed. Bucky’s and his. There was a bag on the floor with Bucky’s stuff. One of Bucky’s shirts hanging over a chair. A half empty glass of water standing on the table. It had been Bucky’s glass.

London was under Blackout. People were supposed to stay inside but Steve didn’t care. He wandered through the empty streets, past ruins of once beautiful buildings, the ashes covering the ground like snow. He was at the pub. The pub it had all begun. It was destroyed now but the bar was still well stocked and it wasn’t like anyone would notice if a few bottles were missing. Or all of them. So he drank. And he drank. And he drank. And he wasn’t drunk. _I just wanna wake up._ He heard steps coming closer, broken glass crunching under a pair of feet and the familiar smell of roses and lavender was suddenly surrounding him. He raised his head to see Peggy. She looked almost shy, a vulnerability in her eyes that Steve had never seen before. She smiled sadly.

»It wasn’t your fault, «, she spoke and Steve wanted to laugh because it was, _it was my fault._ He had never been one to be hateful. He had never been one for vengeance. But now. Now was different. Now it didn’t matter anymore. Nothing mattered anymore. Bucky was dead and Steve was dead too, he just hadn’t died yet.

 

Steve sat in the cockpit of the Valkyrie seeing the clouds pass him by.

»Come in. This is Captain Rogers. Do you read me? «

_«Captain Rogers, what is your... «_ , the voice was cut off, replaced by Peggy, » _Steve, is that you? Are you alright? «_

»Peggy! Schmidt's dead. «

_»What about the plane? «_

»That's a little bit tougher to explain. «, it wasn’t. Not really. Steve knew what he had to do. Had known it all along.

_»Give me your coordinates, I'll find you a safe landing site. «_

»There's not going to be a safe landing. But I can try and force it down. «

_»I'll get Howard on the line, he'll know what to do. «_

»There's not enough time. This thing's moving too fast and it's heading for New York. I gotta put her in the water. «, it was odd how calm he felt.

_»Please, don't do this. We have time. We can work it out. «_

»Right now I'm in the middle of nowhere. If I wait any longer a lot of people are gonna die. Peggy, this is my choice. «, _I was never gonna survive this fight,_ he thought. _Not without Bucky_. Steve placed his compass on the controls, Peggy’s picture smiling up at him, Peggy, his best friend. The weight of Bucky’s dog tag rested on his chest, right where his heart was still beating a stead rhythm. » Peggy? «

_»I'm here. «_

»I'm gonna need a rain check on that dance. «, _I’m sorry I won’t make it._

_»Alright. A week, next Saturday, at the Stork Club. «_

»You got it. «, _We could have been good together._

_»Eight o'clock on the dot. Don't you dare be late. Understood? «_

»You know, I still don't know how to dance. «, _in another lifetime, far way._

_»I'll show you how. Just be there. «_

»We'll have the band play somethin' slow. I'd hate to step on your...

_He had finally reached the end of the line._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Find me on Tumblr =)](https://dreamworldvictim.tumblr.com/)


End file.
